I'm supposed to hate you.

I'm supposed to hate you but Something about my horrid disparity just makes me wish I could hear him call me those pretty names,

 

I'm supposed to hate you. To just have one chance to be in his arms again, in those disgusting hands, to share one last kiss. I wish to remain ignorant to his vain and perverted love. 

 

I'm supposed to hate you, but I can't help but think of you. it's been months yet I have not had another person treat me any better than him. I've been trying so much, so hard. It just seems he could be the only person to put up with whatever the fuck is wrong with me.

    

I'm supposed to hate you, I just wish someone would have some pure love for me. I don't want fucking sex I fucking hate it I just want a connection that makes me feel warm. not something that makes me feel nasty. and to know this is  the only love I know makes me feel disgusting.

 

I'm supposed to hate you, I wish I did. maybe someone could treat me worse then you'd just be puppy love to me. you are my only love, my first time my closest connection. is that something I can just throw away. no.

 

I just want to be treated better. I know I'm worthy of better treatment. I just can't stop thinking about him. what the fuck is wrong with me. I just need to forget him. I'm so mad with myself.  ff 

BODY UPDATE 02/20/26

 Its been abt 3 months from the last update and alot of my methods have changed. 

 or maybe I just got better at taking pictures... 

My weight loss has kinda been slowing down but there is alot of other physical changes going on. I will be honest and say I have a larger focus on weight lifting over my weight loss

 

Though it still helps my weight loss I would Imagine it's gonna slow my weight loss compared to if I were to just do cardio or just go though large caloric deficits. but after getting just a bit defined in my arms... er yeah I bought creatine in the same day.

 

I took my caloric intake up a bit, naturally in order to realistically hit a higher protien goal without having to use supplicated protein from shakes and carp.

 mass is still kinda not the final goal. 

I for sure won't stumble into a lean and large body but it certainly ain't the goal. maybe a bulk is a couple years in the future and there certainly won't be a cut if I don't have the muscles to show. I would just be a damn skeleton. so right now I just gonna be slow growth. I'm certainly feeling better. I may have some low cut windows to slim down more but I can't really risk loosing lean mass for the sake of weight.

 

So right now we are focused on a more steady and realistic caloric intake of about 1700 right now. I love how I look right now and I'm not really rushing to look like anything right now. so we are sorta slowing down. n

 

Little Devil Mistress.

 *Click To View*

I love finding independent adult models. and bluesky has been a pretty good resource for that. It helps me a ton with finding various body types and very confident and artistic leaning models. 

 

Credit to! @cosplaykinky.bsky.social They are immaculate. and fit the bill perfectly, such a perfect well rounded and curvy body their midsection is so goddamn bite able... 

 

I might have to ask them if that compliment would be appreciated by them, I don't want to seem creepy. errr but other than that their modeling work and topics are so goddamn cool.

 

living up to the name they do tons of cosplay and nude work with tons of artistic merit. like their piece with this 

jewel dress, oh goodness heavens it's perfect. It has what I love the most which is a body perfectly accented by clothing and accessorizes. like duh naked women are hot but so see this elegant lingerie of blue glistening stones on their soft milky skin. it's goddamn beautiful.

 

That's just me mainly glazing the original model which of course I always do considering these adult models put alot on the line for the sake of their sexual expression. And I hope to find more unique models to draw and collab with. :3