Drawing with the bussy markers!!!

  A RESPECTED TEXAS INSTITUTION 

For my people Not In texas lemme explain. buc-ees is a gas station chain originating from texas. these gas stations are FUCKING HUGE. from a minimum of 3,000 square feet to the largest 75,000 square foot buc-ees location.

 

To a comparison for the brits would be a buc-ees being about FOUR TIMES the size of a tesco super store. and this only being a gas station is quite the sight alot of the space for the store being dedicated twords merchandising thus the reason I have Markers from a gas station.

 

I really like these markers since the tip is flexable. I really hate markers that use those super stiff felt tips. so I really took advantage of that and used these like brush tip pens. I did have a phase of drawing a TON with brush pens and I kinda might go back into it. 

 

This is just so beautiful to me. I'm glad my crosshatching rendering is flexible enough to fit to this style. and added so much depth and texture to what could have been a pretty flat looking drawing. but the line variability and shading helped so much in making this look good. and I love the model too. just a husky healthy weight looks so good on her. but id still consider this pretty trim and slim.

 

such a pretty box build of body which is like my fav. box build and V built women are SO UNDERRATED!!!

I mean of course I love drawing stocky women but once they got them built ah arms and strong shoulders... lort have mercy. but heyy it's just preferences MY preferences specifically so like you shouldn't care about it. just DON'T care about peoples preferences in general. I never did.       

Fields

 I hope a heaven for those animals on the side of the road. never did they have a choice or a person that would ever help them.

 

I never picked any of this. two emotionally distant parents left my ability to connect with humans very underdeveloped. for the animals and pets of my life I took comfort in. never did I see a judgemental face from them, the ones that did not avoid me. why must I do this, lack connection to all those around me. I never meant it to be like this, It seems as if i never had the choice. I feel like such a fucking loser.

 

I again think of one genuine connection I had in life that now sits states away from me. for I miss him, more than any person I've known. a person that has really known me more than my own family. 

 

it's not often I'm ashamed of my personality and passions but I think it just makes me more repulsive. everything about me, my stupid hair, too passionate about shit nobody cares about. I just mansplain shit too much.

 

I just really don't know how I'm gonna continue from here. I have no passion for anything. I hope to get it back. something feels so wrong like a dark hallway is only getting darker a weight is pressing on me, making me think of every choice in my life. here i sit a fucking loser typing on his dead site. I know it's a shout into nothingness but this is it. all I have. nobody again. nobody I know that would be willing to take the weight of the years I have ignored my own emotions. so here I sit with it. dropping ounce by ounce. I think it might crush me. I'm too weak for this somebody pleasse help

 

I have only been thinking about my first girlfriend all this week. I just miss how pure it was before everything changed for me mentally. forever would I want to relive that day doing boring things with her. does she even think of me to the degree in which I do. Almost every second of every hour  i miss that strange girl. what fucking happened. I know covid happened but just something changed in me, I just know now I would be unloveable in her eyes.

 

I'm just sulking about the past in general. not even childhood. maybe even last week, I just really did not think. Now Him leaving has turned me upside down. reconsidering everything in my life. I really need sleep. I do say that often. or a smoke.  

Holy fuck it's getting worse. fuck fuck fuckt

 I feel beyond pathetic 

the cruelty of worlds is beyond my sensitivity of soul. I really feel as if I lost my tether something only leaving me half sunken into the 9th final level of isolation. realizing my far more pathetic life in retrospect. with the dash of color he temporary put into my life the bleakness is clear. the joy and love I had felt had been only idling my entire life. peaking at one point.

 

It's gone. never has the need for physical attention gripped at my heart any rougher. from neither mother nor father had given me attention like this. a mother too occupied with my sisters and a full time job. I could never blame, a father too busy with another family. 

 

Not time that could be spared to me. nothing I could control. just exiting as a void of emotions. lack of it. never was I told to express them. and never have I been more aware of my humanity it's crushing my fingers like a vise. pushing at the back of my eyes running with tears held back since middle school. tears that ran in front of confused faces, judging faces. 

 

it was again that my father attempted to contact me again. never do I hate but to not be contacted after I turned 18 churned contempt in me like stew it only became stronger with time. his first son, left at 5 to just bring to events never did i feel a connection,only obligation. it feels as if the same could apply to him. only after 5 years did he decide to ask my sister for my number. 

 

it's these shallow connections in my life which just made me think my friend was different. beyond empty words found their way to my heart. though it was only lust I had thought it was other than that. 

 

it's getting worse. though i think its over it seems like of a rest it was simply the wind up for another breakdown. I know I will never be the same from this point on but it will be knowing this new me is which i fear the most.

I really need like professional help or something.

Will Anything Ever Love Me?

 *I know this will Not be a nice read. this is just gonna be me being pathetic. I don't have meds or a therapist so this will be personal and dark* 

so a guy that I had only been seeing for a year just ended things with me for all that time I never heard I love you. cause he did not want to see it as a relationship. but deep in me I saw it as my heart did. 

 

fucking stupid heart. I knew he never put anything into it. I thought about him at all times. a future, a past and a present. but for that whole time I would imagine he did not feel the same way. only a FWB thing. I should have left it at that. I should have not been this invested.

 

so I would imagine it was pretty easy just to say "thank you for sticking around as long as you did" and cut me off from that point just cause we had a bit of a fight about me not being "prepped" as often as he wanted. even if it was nothing i thought it'd matter more than just sex. stupid stupid stupid why. for fucks sake my need for attention always leads me like a rabbit to a pit of snakes.

 

He in my whole life was really the only person to really care for me physically. this is something I could never forget or scrub from my mind. it will forever be a filthy disgusting scar. some of my most intimate and loving moments with another human had only been with a sick old fucking PERVERT FOR FUCKS SAKE. LEAVING FUCKING MARKS AND JUST ENDING IT???!! 

 

I cried the first time we really linked. I was laying on him in my car. arms wrapped around me. and genuinely felt safe and cared for. like nothing could ever hurt me like I'd forever be there. my face became hot from the rush of feelings and just sobbed there into his shirt. I had never thought about how emotionally neglected I was until then. something as small as snuggling in the back of the car brought me to the peak of vulnerability that could only be washed away with tears

 

so then it was 4 other times we met and each time I cried. he still often tried sexual advances which I gave into. I did not care for it. Such temporary joy. forgettable things to remember that rush could be equal to winning a card game. it was the connection I had that followed, tethered like chains. I don't ever think he had a connection with me. He made it that way to. even telling me not to say "I love you" but it's all i ever heard tethered like an anchor my thoughts swirled around him being the one person to ever give me physical attention and love. and the only person to do so.

 

to be so gentle with me. so naive i was. the only relationship I had since was back in high school. a boy who used me in the same ways, his lewd ways were plain as day to me. and before that was this very lovely girl. a girl i don't think i will ever see again in my life. a girl that floods my thoughts as my ex drains from my brain. leaving a scum and detritus of his "loving embrace". 

 

I only turned to him cause it was all i had. No other person would entertain an even faked attempt at understanding me. if there was anyone at all. I'm on dating apps and nothing. I'm just an anti social fucking freak. I'm just so socially inept and I just feel so isolated. like I will never find the soul to tether to. just their holding the chains of my heart like entrails. I don't hunt or do sports, or any manly things.

 

I just might be done with trying to date men but women haven't even let me get my foot into the door. I just can't really blame them. I'm not much of anything a woman would want. I just. don't know how to end this. I'm just at a very isolated point in my life.

 

a very isolated and vulnerable point in my life healing scars from something that has forever changed me. I thought my life was empty before but now i see it darker. and darker and darker. being used has just made me very emotionally reclusive. I don't want to talk to anybody.

Composition notebook (again)

Our First sketchbook is something always special 

But I feel that what we use before is just as special. drawing on random scraps or school projects and even drawing in notebooks. I've been using traditional sketch books since middle school and I feel like I should switch up and go back to my roots.

 

I originally started with notebooks in grade school so i have a particular connection with composition notebooks. it wasn't until I picked up other mediums like watercolor and markers thin paper could not work anymore. I recently have been regressing back into what I've been using since a kid.

I actually decided to go rather high class and peep a five star binder. I mean some real AP college credit classes type of notebook. I could smell the Kumon and violin lessons on it. but sadly this book is only gonna see almost nekkid women and the postal guy.

 Sketch book covers are the soul of the artist. 

b from sketchbooks that get proper prep and are painted with artful murals to books that gather scraps that artists find interesting. I know I'm quite the loot goblin when it comes to collecting interesting brochures business cards and stickers. 

 

but right now my cover just has sharpie all over it. it's a textured flat plastic so its perfect for sharpie of course I had to represent my fav drink monster so its partially written cause I did not get the spacing right..

 

also drew one of the little guys from the chocolate starfish album from limp bizkit. another is the headshot icon from CS. Its a really cool Icon. the garbage I've collected so far has been a no smoking sticker from my job and a baggage sticker that was left in a car.   

The back is alot more simple. Its just my fav gun from CS condition zero the M4A1 with a solid far range and lethal near range. this gun is solid. I really like how just a silhouette and small highlights sell the look. another is just a hottie with twin tails. I mean I take this sketchbook to work so I obviously could not keep it uncensored. I did plan to have the juicy couture logo but.. I could not pull it off.  

 

 and then another banger typography logo is the postal typewriter logo. it send the type of message so well. a formal looking typeface is made super gritty with a blotty looking aesthetic. I just filled the other white space with the scratchy stuff I did not really plan to prep or add a coating or anything so It will look better after fading. 

 

 er I did'nt mean to start on 9/11 

alot or pretty much all of this is just stuff from pinterest tbh. I do just love drawing random crap off the internet. things I find funny interesting or relatable It's just all I feel like drawing. the highlight of this page has to be the wojak geek bar

 

 I really like the goth girl her hair is pretty cool and I like her glasses. and a proper good boy in his Sunday finest. I think its one of those Japanese dog influencers which are a whole different genre. these dogs are all dripped the fuck out. either in silly outfits or silly grooming styles its always so interesting to see.

The first couple of pages are always like stepping out on a limb so they are pretty awkward. kinda like the random element skateboard logo in the middle. I mean I do owe alot of my style twords skate brands errr element kinda fell off in my eyes. Idk why I added them.   

PIG HEAD!! Growing up on the late 2010s internet, saw was unavoidable. I think we all know that one spongebob saw video. the pig masks do hold alot of meaning in the saw series. like who would be behind the mask or even the meaning of the year of the pig. it's pseudo complexity always made the movies so good.

 

Frank woods. cod black ops one is the cod I spent the most time on. I had it for the xbox and then PS3 and played it up until 2019. to consider how bare bones modern COD releases are black ops was packed to the gills with shit to do. and with a fuckin swag campaign, I'd prolly played it 100 times over by now. absolute cinema

 

 deejay gouda and emcee bon bon!  

around this time I had discovered MC Genno a british happy hardcore rapper. thought it is more specific to makina a genre with roots in spanish artists. if you like hardcore and gabber I massively reccomend a makina mix.

 

But getting more into techno for sure inspired me to make this. a classic setup with someone on the decks and an emcee on the mic. Its such a unique style of rapid lyrics I could only imagine a rabbit being able to keep up. and since makina is such a bouncy style its just a perfect pick.

 

I'm an audio nerd so it's always fun to draw audio equipment. even if it's boring black squares. I know there's interesting history to festival and live show audio systems. This whole piece is super cool! it took me almost the full day to draw since it was a bit of a busy day.

err charlie kirk kinda died. I mean I do see it as a horrendous act of political violence. it's quite the luck that it happened to charlie kirk. with the whole open carry thing with conservatives id wonder if right leaning rallies would up their security.

 
and since most alt right chuds look like walking security threats and the right has to be the most paranoid party Someone would eventually get turned awat from meeting (((ben shapiro))) for looking like an anti social freak and having discord on their phone. public safety is so woke I mean freedom of the people right. I mean that's until most of your party is the cause of all recent mass shootings.

 Alright no more politic bullshit WHERE THE BAD BITCHES AT!! 

Pretty unfortunate the marker bled through but that's the name of the game. Drew this girl with that LOW CROP goin on. It's such a hot combo with a visible pushup bra too I mean stop playinnnnnggg so cunty. I can understand why womens fashion turned away from this considering the big thing is kinda underplaying and using more gender neutral pieces

 

and the whole men being creepy thing I'd imagine would keep you from wearing that type of fashion so sadly this is a bedroom mirror fit :( I drew another icon of ye olde internet being the tux penguin. from being on tech forums these things were so cool to see since almost everytime I saw them there was something different about it. Its like a more wholesome version of an NFT

 

and the bassist from mudvayne cause hes a freakin bass demon. just from the technique from dig is insane. prolly some of his best work on that song. 

 

There's gonna be a lot more scraps from here on out.

sometimes when printing out reservations there can be tons of space and wasted paper. and me not being the one to want to waste paper I use that space to doodle on.

 

So naturally I drew a hot babe on that space. this is such a cute pose and such a sensual look to her face. and a cute booty. chefs kiss truly. I also drew a real emo girl on this page. I think you know the type. I still love her so much tho. wearing the pepe hoodie too. kinda weird to think those wolf all over print hoodies are gonna have a emo vintage comeback at some point. like the same way wallet chains and tacky a day  to remember tees made a came back

 

 I Regret Nothing. 

I actually started to play postal around this time. and I'm not gonna be the one to excuse it's violence and offensive nature to call it high art or anything. it's not there to play nice or anything. it's fucking trashy and fun to play. 

 

I mean postal sorta lowered the standard so much that I really don't hear much about violent video games much from major news sources. prolly cause all modern shooters look like fucking fortnite. and pussyfoot around violent acts. there's so much money in gaming that there will never be another postal or manhunt in the mainstream.

 

and errr another piece about MR Kirk. someone who constantly championed the 2nd amendment he always underplayed gun violence and even claimed gun deaths are just the "price to pay for freedom" thus the written quote "suddenly the price of freedom is too much to bear"

erm there really aint much to this page. Just two studies kinda. really just intended to straight copy these two. one of them being one of the misfits guys. I mean they look cool and all I did not really care to listen to their music. I will eventually but its whatever.

 

and the other is just a pinup I redrew. the main thing I love old pinups for is their emphasis on smile lines and more natural looking facial structure. a more womanly body and face structure. but now saying that I sound like those weird guys that are hyper focused on their facial thirds and hunters eyes. soooo I might consider myself done with talking about women

 Women love my Dark ambient swag 

I was back in my emo girl bag. specifically the scary ones. it was some pretty slow days I drew this on considering they are both full pieces. I have my fav of the two but I still love this one. It's such a classic pin up pose but her boots are soo cute in this. with full black and that pale skin. its perfect.

 

I decided to add a spider cause I saw it as blank space and a good spot to add something. I specifically wanted those spiders that almost look like black metal logos. It kinda came out a little too cute and fuzzy so i should have done more of a black widow look. 

 

I took some liberties with drawing the boots since they are super detailed I think they'd stand out too much a create a ton of line tangents. too much line overlapping would just make it look really messy. so it's just the outline and certain shades. I think it keep it looking really clean. 

Now this one is my fav. I like closer views. I feel like full body drawings leave alot of white space. and you can create a more coherent design when its closer to the subject. i love this drawing. the bat with the scorpion is so fucking swag!! and her tattoo is cool too. 

 

prolly one of my only solid tattoo designs. it makes her look so badass. I mean she is already but The bat is cool. I added the sprewy bits to frame her a but more and I think it really comes together. she is so pretty tooo I love her.   

 I <3 Me. but I love her too actually also  

er more boobs.. yeah I mean who would not. I decided to switch up on them emo girls i been drawing so I drew a hottie!!. with that push up on another level!! like its the most boobish kinda look so who aint love it! and anything not black lipstick looks good as helllll. I mostly stick to lipstick.mascara, and false eyelashes for makeup. and just switch those out for the look I'm going for. 

 

I did draw another goth with glasses. cuzz I love glassess!!! er idk why prolly cuz the nerdy girls and alt girls were nicer to me than the other girls. it's not some like trauma thing dont worry. just weird folks look after another.    v
   

 rave goth!! and er an ugly self portrait. 

Idk what branch of emo this is but its super cool. er I might have fucked up by drawing a SPIKE BRA. I mean its super hot but damn half the time was taken up by just the drawing the damn bra. 

 

Accessories are like super important and drawing all of them is super hard. considering I had already spent 10 minutes on JUST one piece I just simplified everything as much as i can. I mean drawing is suggesting detail so like there is no need to draw all details. 

 

Er I don't really see myself as this drawing. I just think I was not very confident at the time. my self worth issues are creeping on me alot. and this is was pretty low for me. but I'm needing to work on it majorly. it's getting better but im afraid I'm just peaking and I'll think im garbage in two weeks. 

 

   ccc 

God Never Taught Me To Love Myself So I Did.

This one Is gonna be a bit more serious

being from the south and of a Mexican background religion has always been in my life. from small things like how we talk to others to how death and morality is viewed. but the idea of sin and the views of god are something that is very cemented into a person that grows up with these ideas in their life

 

Even with light critical thought from when i was younger I thought the idea of sin was flawed. but critical thinking does not change the views of those around you so things like sloth and lust were very much scrutinized. this tracks with our current American culture 

These very natural urges and often times survival instincts are  evil and sinful and the remedy would be seeing the fires and punishment for all eternity,

 

I had always been resistant to religion since I was young. and soon resentful when I had later found out in my life that I was gay. also coming up poor the temptation for sins like envy and greed are unavoidable. I just never felt that I was sin free. nothing more than a sinner in gods eyes. Homosexuality is something I could never cleanse myself of. judgement from others will follow with me. it will be forever a disease on my life. 

 

but this also brings the idea that all humans are born in sin and valueless until being saved by the lord and understanding the word of god. 

The basis of Christianity being guilt and judgement makes me feel horrid. even not being devoted religion was made as morality in my mind for years seeing it all around it follows me and always holds that "what if" power in my mind. I know In my mind I will never reach salvation. such helplessness just is so draining. 

 it was further into my life that I had saw some of Trevor Polemans work with his video series belief it or not I finally understood how flawed Christianity really is and how self value is effected by religion. and it's where it finally clicked with me.

 

I really do deserve to life this one life as I please. never have I heard that I should put my own mental and physical health above this flawed god. And I am the one to give my own life value and purpose. I am deserving of things. not born in sin but born as a human.

NEW VIDEO

 Watch Me Draw and Talk about my life (boring) 

 Using flowblade and I'm finally more comfortable with it  

Flowblade is an opensource linux based editor. and after running though all the options I found flowblade to be the best.

 

I had a lot of issues I'm teaching myself to resolve at the moment. the learning curve has been pretty steep. even though I started about half a year ago I'm still pretty new to all the functions and how to make it more stable

 

compare to only needing a couple of weeks for davinci flowblade certainly throws you pretty far into the deep

 

 More in the future? 

 I would say yeah. I would really need to think of more interesting ideas. something close to the composition sketchbook. cause that brought tons of new fans to me. but I'm just kinda blanking on things to do. I'll have time to think about that tho. and possibly some suggestions?