Fucked Up Always And Forever.

 I feel like shit. 

It's Been the feeling in my hands. clamping at my stomach, since it was said.

 

Judgement, fear, worry. It's has not left. I only wish it could. I only treat it as a guest at this point. I feel I wear this band of guilt and shame, a band everyone sees. so strong I can't form my face to show any other emotion.

 

I do it to myself. Always flying to close to the fucking sun. like If it was something that could fix me overnight. what a fool. It's quite the abusive relationship I have with my past self.

 

Future me is always right, past me only thinks in terms of cute little love notes. There was still that goth girl that works across from me and does not even bother to glance at me. even though I am always the first to look. It feels pathetic. I don't even want to look that way just to again be the first to look.

 

This whole month has been fucking terrible. I feel so used and pathetic.

 

I immensely hate all my thoughts of sexuality. knowing it was what got me in trouble.

 

I hate my heart. knowing it was what got me in trouble.

    

I Think you can imagine what this has done to the image of myself. The stress sweat reeks like it will travel for miles. I only see the sheen of the oil on my face. and the thick strands of oily hair. And thinking of the mind that body shares it feels horrid. lewd disgusting thoughts leading me into traps and toil. romantic thoughts again leading me to a sense of hope. far to quick for me to notice yet again it's a foolish chore.

 

I don't have the energy to do anything other than just typing. I don't want to eat. it feels as if everything I eat sits just at the base of my throat. primed to just vomit the nothing I had eaten. Just to sit with my thoughts, I hope I can do something cause I don't know how much longer I can sit with myself.

 

Just listening to depressing music cause anything else feels foolish like Allen Poe at a wiggles concert. Hopefully it will snap the beauty of the world back into me. then again hearing beauty only makes me think of her. and then another loop and then its bad again.

 

I can only hope I'm just in some deep mood swing and give it a week or two and this will just be another little episode. but then it will just mean I'm at the peak of the swingset. and only due to come back again. So I guess I will see this again.   

Fucked up again, again and again.

It's all undone. It's not her fault. Just the wrong time I guess. I never really is the right time for me.

 

still friends and I just went ahead and declined our planned meetup cause of afflicting plans. It's all my fault. I really put to much into this. It's not her fault. into the depths of my own perfect fantasy but something just does not work out. 

 

All me. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I could face her again. I'm such a fucking loser. Today she had fallen asleep and did not tell me. I had only imagined the worse and was breaking down. I told her what had happened. after that she had just reminded me we are still only friends. she had only entertained it yet it was the future in my eyes. so fucking foolish. I just don't think we will be the same after this. that's my biggest fear. I had just completely embarrassed myself, stupid drawings and blog posts. all done on my own. can we just go back to being friends after she's seen the drawings about her and the writings. I don't think it could be the same. 

 

Not to me at least, I just feel so pathetic. and it's the only feeling I have talking to her now. like just out of pity. By my own doing, fucking all of it. I don't know if I wanna do this dating thing anymore at all. if it's gonna hurt this much to get very indirectly happenstance rejected. 

 

I'm too soft. and I've known that. I'm in a mans realm.   

"hmph~ I'm Just So Tired Laying Here~~~"

 I wuv purple 

The ref is from the bluesky model meebs. She is a really fun model to follow she has a very pretty and thick body. 

 

She makes alot of posts about sub males so I could only assume she is a femdom which is very VERY nice :333

 

I'm starting to do less with my crosshatching and I'm starting to like it more and more honestly. The softer contoured shading just draws out the curves better. It really helps you focus on her... great personality. she had requested for her face to not be very clear so I had to listen to her.

 

So I just gave her some foggy glasses. though she does not appear to be the nerdy slutty type I just thought it would be a cute look given the rather Koi pose. I really like it considering how well it shows her thickness. Just an absolute goddamn wagon. So yurp I Like it and I hope you do as well :333