I think of you. I hope you think of me too.

 Somewhat sleep deprived and In my feelings once again... what a perfect time to type.

First off I want to say I am not entitled to peoples feelings or actions of others. this is only to complain and vent.

 

I've been talking to girls and it's just been interesting. I've been using the apps and have just got like... nothing from it at all. I think my pictures are okay and all and I engage first with women and really give it my all but. it's still been noting at all. and it happens often with dating apps that I just get massively burnt out from them.

 

there is another girl I'm talking to that has just really been the only thing I think about. It's not a burden in my mind only a burden to not have her here physically. I feel so warm close to her. everything blurs and its her and it's okay and safe. it's obsession truly,

 

we had recently met and talked and I only hoped it was forever. so sweet and cute, catching up was incredible. but to hear what she'd been through since we had parted absolutely gutted me. I could only hope safety in her life but to be with her I'd work night and day to keep her stable and safe.

 

Not that I could be the only person that could. I just want to know she's safe stable and happy. It's just all I think about my feelings are so intense for her. I know she cares about me far more than my ex did. just to know those feelings somewhat reciprocate just makes me love her more and more.

 

It just feels like sorta childish and vulnerable to spew my puppy love like this. I know it's far deeper than that but I can't help but feel like the fat greasy nerd I used to be. I always feel like a creep to pester her all day. like I'd seem like some sort of stalker if she were to read this. I'm just scared, scared of my feelings, scared of how much I think of you. 

 

Hoping to see someone again has changed me for the better so much. I only want to be the best for her and nothing less. not to be the annoying fat greaseball that always texts her. It just feels pathetic to have all these feelings.  

 

       

the composition files finally drop

 with special guest fresh off the boat 

To hear the "shocking news" that the people that needed to cover up/downplay the Epstien files. did down play and cover up the files.

I never needed the files. I just knew those associated with Epsiten were horrid people. Especially trump, if it was not his comments on women and younger women its certainly his actions twords womens rights and LGBTQ rights.

zerm... and a Belle Delphine portrait. I know she's a massive creep and all but in retrospect of other NSFW creators and even from NSFW models, she is just weird. I mean she was a very interesting character to follow outside of her modeling which was fun to see when she was popular. She is just a really genuine creator which is swag

 My top 10 films are all the adult short films I accidentally watched on 2012 Youtube. 

experimental adult shows have been on the rise recently and it's reminding me of the short films and creative projects on early youtube. One of the being chainsaw maid.

this fed massively into my zombie obsession when I was younger and rewatching it is an incredible display of sound design. there is no dialog in the film so it is all up to sound cues to set the mood.

it really is an incredible short film and i think it's projects like these that really made youtube unique. where any medium could live it thrived from other sites like newgrounds and other video hosting sites and the film and photography artists of the time having a place to host short films.  

 There's a petition in my titties 

Here is more of my fursona!! as the postal guy. I know I can kinda be clinically insane sometimes but like I'd prolly hoe it up in that leather jacket.I've been building my chest more and more and want big ol pecks so damn bad. so I look like a big hulky boy slut.

 

Crazy how my body goals changed so much once I actually started getting leaner and building muscle. when I wanted to be more fem loosing fat was entirely the goal but to think I could be built like David Hasselhoff or Zyzz it's a damn drug... hehe~ it's kinda for myself but I can't lie. it's for female approval too~   

 More Postal~ hehehe 

I get a pass cause R34 artists will slap tits and hips on anything so like... let me make the postal 1 dude buff as fuck. those thick arms~~~ this is not close to real cause the postal 1 dude is like pretty slim and just pretty average

 

I did not have any other ideas for filling the page so it was kinda just him. and some graffiti tags. I really don't do graffiti anymore to be honest it's more space filler than anything else.

 

 More... postal... 

I started re-watching Azumanga Diaoh and playing postal at work. So why not combine both. I did see the idea from Pintrest but tbh it should have been Chiyo Chan. 

 

But It's still sorta funny for it to be Osaka since she is a sort of social outcast and even a psycho in that one beach house episode. her brain functions in quite interesting ways and it's more often those who's actions are predictable than those who seem to plan their actions 

 

Not that I would reckon Osaka is capable of murder but she still scares me more than postal and cannibal corpse fans. those who consume violent media are often rather peaceful and nice people. except those weird kids that watch gore videos. they are just losers

 Zach hill 

Erm I really don't know when the death grips project will really drop but to hear it confirmed has been the news I've been high on for the last month

 

I'm very glad that Zach will be on the new album. and perhaps his percussive style may be more upfront considering andy not being part of the group anymore. but most of their releases are like something I could never guess. from exmilitary to powers that B. their variety is immaculate so my guess at what their next move could be as good as yours.

 

but if we could get something as raw as exmilitary again I might do like 3 backflips and need to fuck a girl raw to that album.

Bug Blog 12-31-25

 Body! 

GAWDDD DAMNNNDUNKJBN. This is me right now at 165. I got no clue as to what my body fat percentage is but... I'm ALOT leaner now. I really think weight training has been the key.

 

And diet also of course. I've been pretty strict and understanding that it is the MOST important aspect of my weight loss it just made it so much easier. I mean I guess alot of people have not noticed cuz like... I wear such baggy clothes. Like all of my clothes are like too big so I don't really wear anything form fitting. But maybe I will now actually. 

 

But honestly... this angle is VERY flattering. from the bottom looking up plus good lighting plus from the side to make my tits bigger... it's all pretty fake.

 not to be me me me but...  

I've had such a huge confidence boost from this. Like I'm talking to girls again type of confidence. but alot of it is for myself to be real. It's been more often in my life that I hide away in big shirts and baggy clothes. Now I want to wear more form fitting things.

 

I mean of course genetically I could build the fuck out of a masculine figure and that's the goal. Not a really bulky figure or for competitive weight training but to become leaner. and aid in weight loss.

 WE ARE OFFICIALLY HALFWAY DONE 

A little more than halfway done with the composition sketchbook. This is like huge to me. this kinda is my main focus and I've had incredible progress on this project within just this month.

 

and if you can tell from the new blog background. I've been doing a ton more graphic design work. And I really love it. I first started with the fake ads for my blog then made more for my background and one of my recent drawings.

 

That being the tomboy version of Ellis from L4D2. Ellis was like one of my very first boy crushes. I can't help but love a country boy. so damn handsome too. and I love country girls too I love tomboys so damn much. so I just thought about making him into a tomboy cause id wanna fuck him or her I guess or Both maybe. and at the same time? fuck yeah. 

 A little more of the same 

work has been the same old same old. I'm so used to such an eventful workplace that making music and drawing for like... more than half of my shift has just made work. kinda boring,

 

 I'm trying to talk to girls again... the apps have not really been that fun but I still try and talk to who I can. I really do have my sights set on one particular girl. It hurts like alot but attention from her and my affection for her is making it all worth it. I know there's other girls but like... It's just her I think about. to see those pretty eyes in frames and long black hair flow. I try my best to not be obsessive but I just can't help it.

 

My biggest fear has been looking like a creep to women but
like... I just want to be romantic so fucking bad I wanna spoil a girl so bad and treat her like my everything cook and clean and comfort her. It's been like sort of taxing almost.    

 To wrap it up :3 

I'm finally building a better body after like months of attempts. getting leaner and muscular giving me the confidence to talk to girls :3. and my confidence overall.

 

my current project has been productive. and cool. overall. good month of improvement :3
 

Water,Ice,Salt Aye.

 Woahah more pages 

This was some more studies. and fan art of a MAD obscure youtuber.

I thought about miss Duvall again... she's so pretty I can't. so I just drew a portrait of her. I started to practice with drawing contours into my crosshatching. I think it makes a drawing look pretty crowded and busy

 

But surprisingly it turned out pretty good. especially with the muscle study. this was pretty simple and was majorly improved by the contour I'd say. I also drew Wild Spartanz. I been watching since like 2018-9. and stuck around cause like... He's a youtuber I grew up with and has not had a MAJOR controversy or is a pos. He's actually really cool.

The Kirk shooter n postal man

Huge news to see the kirk shooter in court and the images that came from it. I mean it really all is a tragedy, that becomes comedy considering it was kirk. but like nobody really cares anymore really. adding to our years or downplaying gun violence

 

The postal dude hehehe~~ but like big and thickkughghg. Like IDC if lewd artists can add tits to pokemon I CAN MAKE THE POSTAL MAN BUFF AND THICK. please just let me have this. I know the actual postal guy is slimmer and honestly kinda scrawny. so like... he needs fat pecks and big ol arms hehehe~

bunny bunnyy
My fursonaaaa!!!! A cute little Holland Lop bunny! It's just like a new animal I wanna be cause of my life. I used to be a raccoon but I wanted something more docile and cute :3

and super quiet too. it was super cute to find out bunnies let out little honks when they are snuggling but other than that I'm a pretty quiet too.

 

I got my long hair AND bunny ears. it's like I thought it would be hard to draw floppy ears and long hair but like it came out so cute looking IM JUST SO CUTE!!! making me ponder on buying some bunny ears but like I don't have furry money. I'd have to be like senior IT tech making +100k to afford a suit.

I Wanna be a gabber baby

I recently got addicted to gabber. it's such a cool culture that does separate itself from normal rave culture and has a unique culture of the gabber heads. bald dudes in tracksuits pretty much.

2D is nonbinary. which is like swag. gorillaz was like super important to me growing up.my first like alt group I fell in love with plastic beach,it such an incredible album experience. completely enveloped into songs like to binge and empire antz it was like nothing I have ever heard. and songs from the humanz era were just incredible. I don't really keep up with gorillaz anymore. I could not care for cracker Island and even song machine so like... yeahhhh.

Pretty girls and... hyener
Got more of a thing for cowgirls... flannel and tits are like the magic sauce. and cute braids certainly help a ton. I know I got ZERO chance with a country tomboy I just love them so much still. 

 

I was pretty bored so I just drew a pretty girl on a notepad. she had to be really pretty cause the note is pink :3. I don't really care if pink makes it gendered or political. I fucking LOVE pink. If I could be a pretty pink princess, lord knows I'D WEAR THAT TIARA. and Hyena... those are swag. swag animals, I think people with hyena fursonas are like so fucking cool. Have not met one hyena fur that I thought was boring.

One half of Postal Osaka 
being once trans and a breakcore artist I had two outlets of osaka slop. she's cool but I like Sakaki more. but naturally Osaka would have been more funny to draw as the postal guy.

 

I always do find it funny that in the English dub osaka has a southern accent so like naturally I love her so much for that. but she is like a little too dumb I'm not gonna lie. Prolly why I like miss Sakaki more cause its more fun to watch her be a nerd rather than Osaka being a weirdo.

 

Razor Twin Tails and killer lips.
I love textured and layered hair like yes give us buzzsaw yessssuhhfhf... and she's like so fucking pretty too. 

This was just pretty simple. I got gifted a office notepad and I just doodled it on their to paste into my book. which I've been doing alot. I love doing it cause it makes the paper thicker and wavier so it just looks even more junkier.

 

We are getting close to the halfway point and I am so excited. I mean I really am more focused on the trip than the destination. It's been so fun to draw in this book. and seeing my progress in the book is just like so fun.

 

Sketch books are like so cool. or just any physical book you write and draw in. It makes me understand people that use planners or journaling it's just so nice to have a physical archive of your thoughts.  cc

c 

Awkward T-girls are the awsome sauce on a epic burger.

 Keep the damn glasses on too  

*Click to View* 

I love those slim girlies. I know everyone wishes T-girls were like big ol voluptuous wide hips when like most t girls are all skinny little awkward nerds. and I love them for that tbh.

 

So here's a cute pic of a girl sneaking her peter out. just truly hanging out. so cute in her short shorts. Honestly those are like the best thing ever in the world. I know I could not pull it off. maybe loosing some pounds would help cause I'd prolly be giving camp counselor.

 

My Piercing addiction strikes again. small cans, big cans all the more prettier with nipple piercings. not trying to convince my fems out there to get piercing like believe me I could NEVER. just stay cute and wear short shorts.

Health Update!!! :33

 Down to 175! 

 I Found something INSANE from last year it was from a doctors visit saying I was 198 POUNDS. like this is what I really needed to see to really want and need this change in my life.

 

And seeing that I am down to 175 is like really huge to me. I have honestly kinda been faltering in my calorie tracking. around the holidays it just feels like alot is going on and like it's just hard to find time to track calories. but I still have been watching my food and kinda got my internal calculator of what calories are normally in food and working from there.

 

I know I'll get back to it. It's just a little episode I'm having and I will have the energy for it later. may not be now but maybe even tomorrow.

 weight training has been cool. 

I'm only limited to dumbbells but considering I'm super new to this I reckon I don't really need specialized machines and can target groups with simpler exercises with free weights. but the goal really is not mass. more for the sake of cutting to put it in those terms.

 

Legs are strong as ever and of course I've working on my butt (if you could not tell from the 1st photo :3) it's really built my legs and thighs well too. the biggest change has to be in my arms. I could not lift for shit and my arms were mad thin. but now I see real definition in my biceps and forearms. and my big fat man pecks hehe~ 

 Change in diet methods? 

I just kinda don't care about macros. THOUGH macros do effect alot about how you may feel after eating in the sense of weight loss it's all the same no different from 200 calories of a single chocolate or 100 from a pound of cantaloupe. but of course the better choice will present itself in the numbers. I still so sub stuff or exclude high calorie things but for the most part I'm still eating what I want to.

 

at 1500 calories on low days and up to 2500 on high days but I have been thinking of using far lower deficit days down to like 1000 to see if that will speed things up.

  

Still a bit away from 140 but surprisingly close to a healthy BMI. which is about 167 for my age and height. 

 

 AS OF NOW 

175 LBS

BMI 28.2 

Goal weight = 140 

difference = +35lbs

HAPPY ONE YEAR 8U63473R BLOG

 HOLY SHIT I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED IT BY LIKE 4 MONTHS....   

Okay so my first ever blog on this page was back in September. and It's really crazy to think I've been active on this page for a whole year!

 

This page has seen alot from me. and I reckon cause of that you've seen too much from me. some of the best times and worse most horrid times. about 3 Jobs 2 genders 1 horrid relationship and SEVERAL projects and hundreds of individual drawings. I think I'll just talk about some of my fav drawings and projects from the past year.

 

 God Bless These Breasts. 

thinking again I prolly would not draw something of this nature again but It still did mean something to me at the time. something more than just sexualizing a woman of faith. it was when I had been becoming more critical of my faith and more embracing my sexuality. or trying to understand why my lewdness must be tied to my guilt. such passion I have sexually must be paired with guilt and shame.

 

 The Death Of Marat 

This was simply a study but did still I knew how I was feeling at the time. I had still been working the graveyard shift at a gas station and at the time I had finally listened to the Death consciousnesses album Have A Nice Life. which had been genuinely dreadful album listen. Isolation and dread and anger in a gritty textural ambient mixture of all my feelings in one album. and alot of it is enhanced through the cover art. which to me alluded suicide but still covers the overall topic of death. just to say not seeing the sun for about 6 months did horrid things to me.

 

 THE ORIGINAL  COMPOSITION SKETCHBOOK  

This *was* one of my most popular series on youtube was the composition sketchbook I think It did have alot of merit and it's no wonder as to why It became so popular. but like a ton of it was just... straight up porn so like naturally it was hard to make a youtube based series about this book. so eventually having to blur and censor stuff was just slowing the project down a ton. I don't really think I could use ONLY a composition as a sketchbook to be honest. It was just kind of a dumb idea that caught on. which really is the greatest shame that my least fleshed out idea had to be my most popular one.

 

 Lily Clove 

Around this time is when I finally changed back to working at rosa's cafe. which had been my first job. things were so much brighter to me after that. and at the time I created the alias of Lily clove. which i soon intended to be my transitioned name. the job at the gas station really isolated me so much that changing back to such a bright and social atmosphere I really needed. lily did form alot of change in my life. it's why I started to try and diet more and feminize myself. and even think about and research HRT treatments. but then I just felt more comfortable as using her as more a pseudonym or a pen name.

 

 I Wanna Shred With U~ 

I'm not gonna lie to you chief. My drawing subjects used to be wayyy more sexual. and my Pinterest getting banned really changed my drawing subjects. while of course I still draw Pin up style drawings restarting my pintrest really stopped the stagnation i was kinda going through at the time and really changed my art direction for the best I would say. I took more inspo from graphic design and cartoons more so than from images and photos.

going back to my roots honestly looking back at artists like Robert crumb and graphics from companies like DC and world industries where I really questioned my stylistic choices rather than my subjects. where of course my subjects are important to me. without style it would not really be anything at all. so I find it very Important to me and I do see this era as pretty important to me.

  

 Composition Notebook Again? 

Around this time I had a rather sudden career change to my current job working with car rentals. alot of it is just attending a desk which gets super super boring so I use alot of that time to draw. I needed a sketchbook that was not full of nudes so I just decided to buy a new sketch book. and what a way reuse an idea was to use a composition notebook again!! this is my current ongoing project.

It's fun for the same reason the first sketchbook was so fun. it really just stops the sort of fear of an empty canvas and just enables me to just work and throw anything onto the paper. and also acts as a catchall for my other doodles on scrap paper. or even found objects too. sort of like a junk journal I'd say. 

 

 Blooming 

This is a recent piece I am really proud of. I combined more graphics and contrast into this. where I did draw the pose I also included the imagery of a blooming flower and filigree. where the blooming flower does represent sexual freedom and love. It could be alot of things that cause it but having kinks and having your partner participate with you in those kinks is such a bonding and loving experience. where shibari really embodies trust in your partner it is something I love also

Of course my subjects are sexual alot of the time it's still more passion than lust I want to represent in my drawing. cause truly anything I draw a girl doing... I'd prolly do myself. and I know sometimes It can be degrading I'm positive it's not something most NSFW artists can say about their subjects.

 

 Well Here's to another year :3 

I started this year pretty sad and fat now I'm ending this year at 175 pounds :3333 still kinda sad but I sure did learn alot of things.

 

I just love that I have this to look back at since alot of my life had just been archived through just images or posts. and just drawing overall. It's why I think hobbies are massively important. It can act as a personal archive of your life.

 

It does not matter what you make still it will embody your mindset and feelings at the time. both as an artist and musician it is incredible to see what I have made out of my worst times. If there is anything to take away from this is. splat your thoughts write em sing em draw it or like use that energy to create something.

 

there will always be a time you look back and are grateful that you had made what you made. though I have been rather disappointed in certain projects I look back and see them as important turning points in my life.