I Can't Fucking Do This Anymore

Why did I give my heart to someone that could not spare the time to me. It's not much to talk to me. It's not really much at all. I want it from you. please, just give me attention. 

 

I want to dedicate everything to you. please just use me. but you are too fucking stupid to notice. or you just fucking hate me enough to not just tell me to go away. I won't be surprised that you don't like me. I won't hate you, I would never wish a girl I love to live with the burden I am. 

 

I'm so weak for you. but maybe you'll be the one to teach me I need a backbone. God I fucking hate you so much. I misplaced my emotions so much. so built up, and pent up stupid small talk its the only emotion left. all burned through, Flipping between hatred and obsession. maybe you read this and actually block me or tell me to fuck off. please do. I need this closure. please, please stop me. 

 

you are the only thing in my mind. not a thought of lust. but a mind where you treat me as I treat you. just please, I know you are so far from my reach. the least valuable man you speak to. PLEASE JUST FUCKING BLOCK ME FOR FUCKS SAKE IT'S OVER I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE. I'm just doing it myself. muting everything... I can't block you... the obsession keeps me from that. I really don't want to lose you.

 

I love you so much. so sweet, so pretty. so very pretty. never have I felt it but I know your hair is so soft. you are all I think of. I love talking to you. I don't care if you don't fucking care about me. just you pretending has left me like this.

 

I wish I could date guys again I wish I was flattered by shallow lust.

 

I wish I really was. but instead I'm stuck obsessed with a girl that does not care about me. I really don't want to care about her. but my brain says otherwise. I know I never pass your mind. and if I do and you do think about me and you read my blogs. just fucking block me. I fucking hate you. for all the time you've ignored me. I had only dreamed of you treating me better. why would I settle for you. not sparing me a glance nor a simple fucking text. fuck you.

 

I love you I miss you. please message me please. I'm sorry please. I just want to cry in your lap lple please please im sorry. I miss you so much. please 

 

I deleted our messages and silenced her notifications. 6 fucking months. some spent not even messaging. it's clear to me. you don't care about me. god I hate you so much. Making me reconsider talking to new people. considering every girl I talk to does the same fucking thing.

I never wanted to hate you. Just ignore me please. I never wanted to lose you like this. in an incident of my own emotion. I dislike it as much as you do I would Imagine. Something made me into this.

 

This is the worst episode I've had in months. maybe with a level head I could only hope you'd accept an apology 

Manifesto Of A Beyond Pathetic Boy.

"05-08-26

I'm not the brave they want. I'm just too scared. I've mixed it with other feelings but it's really what it is. I'm scared. too scared to talk to girls I know. I'm so scared. the type that makes you sick. the type that makes you hate yourself for not doing anything

 

I do everyday. like a chance crops up and I ruin it because I'm such a pussy.

 

I never deserved it. I'm not some sort of knight in shining armor. I'm just a moody sensitive bitch.

 

I can just only dream of a girl that will think I'm pretty enough to ask me out. but I know that will never happen"

 

 

 

" I just sit like a lonely bunny only waiting to be adopted. It's how I've felt my whole life. Jut something that needs food and a little cage. My mother was not very affectionate to me. it hurts to know a small bit of how someone who loves you should treat you physically.

It feels pathetic. It's something I want so bad but I just can't. I just want to be a pet. something that's always reassured physically and verbally. it's so dumb it's never going to happen.

 

the warm and soft arms of a woman around me. very subtle girl smell and a voice that tells me how proud of me she is and she loves me and I'm her perfect little bunny.

 

I don't know what I'm doing I'm not a normal person. why the fuck did i not just conform and become normal and not turn into this inept furry freak wanting to be treated like a damn pet. 

 

It's a shame that wears on me like the stink of a skunk. I know girls smell it on me. I reek of weakness, sensitivity and perversion. Lust stains me. I'm disgusted by myself."

 

 

"My Hygene and artwork. a ball of grease. I feel like a stain. women are the lace of the world. never was i clean enough to ever touch it.

I can hardly talk to women in person. I've regressed so much. I feel horrid again for the millionth time I don't know what I'm doing and I'm scared.

 

I have so much feelings and fear. The only place I can put it would be into these pages. Inked along with my tasteless memorials of the female body.

 

I've had the same life for 20 years. the same loveless and touchless life. not one year spent in the arms of someone that actually loves me. Will I ever see this part of life? will it be 20 and another 20 and another till I die alone?.

 

My independence has been draining. never have I felt so dependent on female attention and approval. constantly waiting on replies and and immediately replying to them. thinking of all my features based on the micro expressions of girls. I know it's not working and I just come off as awkward"

 

 

"I've burned through all the girls on hinge already. within 100 miles and still nothing. just one girl that stopped talking to me.

 

I can't blame them, at this point I just know wht girls will never like me. and I'll always get the same "you'll find her one day" every day until I die. I know I will never find her. I'm just made wrong.

 

Just looking for a girl that will substitute for the love I never got from my mother. it's wrong, It's not normal. I'm not normal. It will take years to fix and I don't know if I have years left.

 

I don't want to do this lifting shit anyways. I was never strong enough anyways. are my biceps going to fix my sensitive emotions? I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I'm sick on an empty stomach 

 

My medicine is something that does not exist. so I will live my whole life sick."

 

 
 

"05-09-26

the A/C if finally ready and I'm just waiting for power. I'm planning to have things boxed by Monday. and also -"

This is just a really cute pinup of may. in the classic horror girl outfit. a large tee or cropped tee and just panties. I mean... if i were a girl this would be my go to at home outfit.

 

But like I'm just a guy so sweats with my dick print showing is the best I can do. hehe~~ especially living alone it's kinda fun to prance around in an outfit like that.

 

 

"I started talking to a girl IN REAL LIFE. It was a really cute girl that works next to me at the Avis/Budget car rental. the evening flight got grounded and I went to chat with her and we ended up talking for almost an hour

she is so cute and has the most sweetest velvet giggles. Its foolish I know at some point I will regret this (I do). but god I'm hooked. I just need to ground myself but minimum I would want to be friends with her. she is so sweet and since I work with her I would not want to spoil things with her.

 

Yeah writing right now. since she is not from here and is only here for college she is currently away for the summer and still does not text me very much. I fucking hate my life. I seriously want to fucking die not like I'm not given hope. it's just the flame dies so quick i can't help to think to find solace in a shotgun to my fucking mouth.

 

 

"05-11-26

She's going back home for the summer. And I just know she's answering me. just like the rest of them.

 

that if I just stop I would never get another goodnight or good morning. just one or two words is all i can get from her. I had confessed to her that I really wanted to date but sadly I'm still me"

 

I really miss how boys used to treat me. I was such a pretty boy and they were always the one to remind me that.  

 

 

"It's over. not that I won't try but from how she is acting. she's obviously not interested.. I should have known. she is far too pretty from something as disgusting as me. nothing but fucking filth.

I want to be done with dating so bad. I deleted hinge again. I'm having suicidal thoughts. I was made so wrong. Live is just always out of reach. I live this hell forced to watch what I've never been given in my whole life. just too far or THAT IM JUST TOO UGLY, I'M JUST TOO WEIRD. IT'S FUCKING HELL.

 

It's never gonna happen living in this fucking horrid dead end city. everything just feels so cold.I'm scared again. It's just so cold and unwarm. there is no life. only what I see. only what I want. something won't leave or choose to curl along with the leaves. It's not fair.

 

the clouds are getting so dark around me. I'm so scared.

 

Not even the reddit girl could put up with me enough to text me. why would anyone. I'm really fucking done with dating until my retard self thinks a girl likes me ( she does not )"

 

 

"all I think of is her. for that time we talked. I almost did not feel time pass. so pretty, so much potential. and I wished to see it all. but I'm just too fucking disgusting. Always there to fucking ruin it all. 

For every small interaction I have with girls I like I keep it somewhere. chats,hangouts. things I made and bought. It's the closest I'll ever be to a boyfriend/ replaying all the laughs and gazes. makes me feel like I really had something.

 

It's never anything further than that. no kisses, no cuddles, no "I love you" or anything cause by then they learn I'm a fucking loser. or maybe they knew and they were just being nice to me.

 

It will never happen but the day I'm in a woman's arms, I will weep. I don't know how long but however much is needed for 20 years of nothing.

 

I just want to wander off and die peacefully among the rabbits. I know pretty flowers would bloom from me. and maybe she would pick those flowers.

 

but I guess something will force me to keep from eating 4 silica packets and dying in the forest"

 

  

"05-14-26

Finally all moved in and I feel awesome. the house is... brutal but I can work around it. there are roaches but im working on keeping everything dry and leaving no food out.

I still need a fridge and a stove... but I've got both secured. It's just when we can get those moved into the house.

 

I'm really excited to start interior design stuff like paint and redoing and prettying up the cabinets.

 

I really need to work on getting a new mattress though. that's my big focus this week. cause the angel I take home deserves a better bed."

 

 

"05-15-26

I helped this guy get a one way to san antonio and got a 100 dollar tip from him. awesome sauce that's like my taco bell allowance for the whole month. I also got a commission from a good friend!!

So that's like 200 dollars!! I'm really dependent on restaurant food and junk food tbh. but i do not have a fridge soo....

 

But that is changing tomorrow hopefully"

 

 

Just two mature ladies. I don't have much else to explain.

 

Peep Show!

*Click To View*

 ma'am what's with the coat? 

Flash! Flash!.

 

Okay for serious. flashing is only for non con related things. voyeurism can get very creepy very quick. So this is fantasy only :3 

 

but yes again in the context of non-con yes I love this! such a pretty and lanky body. all hidden under a jacket~ I mean who would not want to see her. such a flirty smile, she so very much loves this attention.

 

I thought about adding a bit of hair but... just how I would do as well. you've got to be shaved and pretty for the kissing. but I would imagine she's not looking for action just looking for appraise from girls and men. I really like this ;333