Down. And I don't know when I'll be up

 Last night was another episode that will
certainly leave me down for the coming days. 

I wish I knew but It's always something that finds it's way into my life again. It's brought me back down. down to something I never wished to see again. though I knew it was inevitable. 

 

I fucking hate myself more than anything else for thinking about a guy that just thinks of me as some boy he fucked for a couple of months. Nobody has talked to me the way he does since he left. not a touch or kiss since he left, so dumb it's so fucking stupid.

 

I got prettier and skinnier and changed so much but just something in my stupid fucking brain just misses the pretty names he had for me. his disgusting, but I think I'm dirtier for missing that treatment. this is stupid pathetic and any other sad label to write and admit this.

 

I don't want to do anything. I never wished or thought I would be back into an episode like this. my emotions are extra sensitive and I just break down into moments where I just don't have real control of my emotions.

 

I just know I'm strong enough to wade this out but I have people close to me that can certainly help me. I just know I'll see the energy I had at one point. 

       

I'm supposed to hate you.

I'm supposed to hate you but Something about my horrid disparity just makes me wish I could hear him call me those pretty names,

 

I'm supposed to hate you. To just have one chance to be in his arms again, in those disgusting hands, to share one last kiss. I wish to remain ignorant to his vain and perverted love. 

 

I'm supposed to hate you, but I can't help but think of you. it's been months yet I have not had another person treat me any better than him. I've been trying so much, so hard. It just seems he could be the only person to put up with whatever the fuck is wrong with me.

    

I'm supposed to hate you, I just wish someone would have some pure love for me. I don't want fucking sex I fucking hate it I just want a connection that makes me feel warm. not something that makes me feel nasty. and to know this is  the only love I know makes me feel disgusting.

 

I'm supposed to hate you, I wish I did. maybe someone could treat me worse then you'd just be puppy love to me. you are my only love, my first time my closest connection. is that something I can just throw away. no.

 

I just want to be treated better. I know I'm worthy of better treatment. I just can't stop thinking about him. what the fuck is wrong with me. I just need to forget him. I'm so mad with myself.  ff 

BODY UPDATE 02/20/26

 Its been abt 3 months from the last update and alot of my methods have changed. 

 or maybe I just got better at taking pictures... 

My weight loss has kinda been slowing down but there is alot of other physical changes going on. I will be honest and say I have a larger focus on weight lifting over my weight loss

 

Though it still helps my weight loss I would Imagine it's gonna slow my weight loss compared to if I were to just do cardio or just go though large caloric deficits. but after getting just a bit defined in my arms... er yeah I bought creatine in the same day.

 

I took my caloric intake up a bit, naturally in order to realistically hit a higher protien goal without having to use supplicated protein from shakes and carp.

 mass is still kinda not the final goal. 

I for sure won't stumble into a lean and large body but it certainly ain't the goal. maybe a bulk is a couple years in the future and there certainly won't be a cut if I don't have the muscles to show. I would just be a damn skeleton. so right now I just gonna be slow growth. I'm certainly feeling better. I may have some low cut windows to slim down more but I can't really risk loosing lean mass for the sake of weight.

 

So right now we are focused on a more steady and realistic caloric intake of about 1700 right now. I love how I look right now and I'm not really rushing to look like anything right now. so we are sorta slowing down. n