Here's To The Best Years Of My Life.

 A New Book. And A New Era 

I'm a new person starting this book. Becoming an adult in this world is very daunting. with everything going on. It's just hard to find hope. A very different person compared to last year.

 

This book is gonna be a bit more personal. I'll be writing excerpts of my feelings of that day. I'm not much of a journaling person but I thought it could help me with... something idk. Something I can read back on and understand how I was feeling that day.

Subby Bunny

First drawing was me in ropes... Yeah my sexuality has not toned down. but it's where I find myself as the sub in all situations. 

Degradation and Femdom. as which is a more recent topic of my artwork. The two other subjects in this page are two mature women. 

 

I mean someday I'll learn. I did the same thing with wanting to date older men. I just feel safer with older women. Not like I'd ever have a chance but they just don't have the expectation for men my age to be very vulnerable. I feel some sense of pity and disgust when I open up to a girl my age. But I've had comfort from older women. So much more understanding I just love it. Not to mention. older women are really hot. Always so well built and thick. amazonian almost.

 

Office Gals Are The Best.

I always think of my mom's coworkers, or receptionists of past doctors trips, and nice teachers when I see this type of formal wear.

 

I know it's strange but It's what I grew up with and somehow got attached to. Very kind and attractive women to me.

 

Maybe I should just live in fantasy and just imagine these women would treat me with a loving warmth. since the last older guy I dated treated me like shit. I mean at this point the odds are as much as me meeting a girl my age. This new dating generation is really scary. I just know older women like honest and open men. where it feels like I'm supposed to be all shut off and emotionless to talk to girls nowadays. 

 

Not to be incel about it. I'm just saying what I'm Seeing.  

    

Horror Gals

04-18-26 

"I Still feel like shit after I stopped talking to a girl after she ignored me for the last 3 Days. 3 girls have done that to me this year ,just talking and talking until nothing.

 

I just wish I was atleast worth a rejection text. Just tossed aside. It's so draining on myself worth."
I could only wish Carrie would stay in that feeling of being welcome. finally not judged by all those in her life. before her absolute worst moment. I could just wish. and my other fav horror gal. Wendy from the shining. I remember watching It. I just remember how goddamn weird it is. I mean she did not really do anything to justify what happens to her. 

 

Especially the actor herself. She deserved better. But I can only make her an icon for myself.

 

04-19-26

"I wish one day I'll Write my happy ending into this book. Or the start of some dumb love story. I wish this was a story, Then I'd know being a good person would actually get me everything I wanted.

 

No fangs, Too scared I know. But it's the only way I'd want to live. My fear tarnished some friendships at this point. It's never the same when you are just another guy"

  
I drew zach hill. he's a really cool artist and has been a huge inspo to me since I started listening. even though it's sparse I do really enjoy his photography. From his insta he's had several photoshoots. So strange and outsider, I just can't help but love it.

The other is just this Cyclop Kirigumi Girl. If you don't know Kirigumi Is a specific type of cosplay. specifically being anime girls. a key part being the plastic masks and wigs.

 

The term chud has taken a rather interesting turn. From when I first heard it the term chud was a derogatory term for members of the alt right. 

A Unique Blend of chronically online political christian leaning beliefs. the new version of the term is just short hand for loser.

 

The Mainstream is nearing closer and closer to political extremism so much that 4chan terms enter the vernacular so often. from being a site most people write off and actively hate people derive a portion of their personality to it without even noticing. I guess I'm just too chronically online to notice the origin of these saying in the first place...

 

I been crying alot recently. and as a sad horny bitch I just drew a porn star with running eyeliner. Life fucks me so much I'm two cameras away from being a film star.

 

04-20-26

"Still thinking of the girl who just left me. She had seen me in at my lowest point. And I would assume wrote me off in her mind. I was so dumb of me for how little I had known her. It feels like as a man, I have to use all these tactics and things but I just can't.

I've been failing to care for myself barley eating well. I shower more often cause I always feel disgusting.

 

Every self improvement thing I've been doing for myself just does not make my feel any different from the fat awkward sissy I've always been. Maybe I've always been weak.

 

I just want it to get better. 

I'm So Scared"

Ignored. I don't know how many chances I'm gonna give myself.

 Make it 6 rejections this year. 

It would mark the 4th day she had ignored me. I had just let in one last pathetic attempt.

 

maybe this was some big misunderstanding. she had just completely missed my messages while she has been online several times. maybe, I just wish she would tell me to fuck off or something. I'd feel more important. meaningful enough to tell off. Makes me feel less for just being ignored.

 

Just tossed aside. I'm sure she did not feel a thing. again, I was just me. the way I am. Ignored again. I'm always just ignored. does it seem I would not be able to handle it? or take it the right way or something? Would not matter either way cause they are right. I can't handle it.

 

Look at me. 2 in the same month and I'm a useless messy sad mess. typing away on my stupid smut site. I just want to do what I'm comfortable with, I don't want to pick up women out in public. I think that sounds really trashy. but none of the women I'm already friends with don't want anything to do with dating.

 

I've said it before. but I don't know if I want to date at all anymore. Just stop fucking trying at this point. am I really gonna give up right before the one gives me a change or will I finally find peace and not determine my entire value in having a person patient enough to put up with me.

 

I just deleted Hinge I'm fucking done with all of it. clearly I'm not enough. not fucking close. why try, girls would like me better if I did this or that but will I like me. Or will I find comfort knowing they only put up with me cause maybe I got prettier, or stronger, or got a shit ton of money.

 

I'm at my lowest point and I show it. and nobody likes it. so whats the fucking point. Live my life with someone that can't handle my worst. I don't have enough for girls to just ignore. I'm just a walking blob of flaws apparently. does not fucking matter anyways.

 

I'll be back at it at some point. I know, I'm just to love starved to keep this up. like I don't fight so hard to get it. the grapes are obviously sour. not like being held right now could make me cry in an instant. I put it all out. just hoping someday something will catch it. but I'm just to empty at this point I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I'm scared.     

THE FINAL PAGES!!!

  Scratchy Scratchy :333  

I love long nails. Like really really like long nails. especially sharp sharp nails as well. like talons, and I want to be in those talons so fufin badddd.

 

Sharp and deep scratches :3. mr masochism clocking in :3 also uhhh I started rewatching Clarence and drew sumo's Dad cause. He's kinda hot to me. I know he's like mad unstable and weird asf and violent... but I could change him.

 

And the other is just this clown girl. I thought her makeup is cute. If I were to do makeup that's the style I would do. is like doll face and clown stuff :3

 

Big girl~~~

ANOTHER drawing of a big girl cuz... hehehehe~~~ actually kinda not. this was a piece to represent my muse. but I had a dramatic moment and It's different to me now.

 

Some sort of a dreamy representation of poetic form of praise. crazy how much this page is in retrospect. It looks to be my most positive thoughts to my lowest point in one page. And If you've seen the sad bitch blogs you'd know what I'm kinda dealing with right now.

 

 

The Clarence boyz

I gotta say Clarence is top 10 cartoons ever of all time. in my list at least. this is coming from someone who watched uncle grandpa when I was a kid so take that with a grain of salt.

 

The wonder and fun of Clarence story lines are Immaculate. Like sitting to wait at the doctors office or going to water park. the characters are perfectly imperfect since they are kids

 

being somewhat naturally selfish. and being dumb as well. especially Clarence which sometimes he can get kinda irritating you learn to have patience with him as a character cause of his qualities as a person.

 

The Night after.

Around this time I had a bit of an incident with a friend. It was my fault. I don't blame them for anything but after it I had great shame in my lewdness.

 

Another person I let treat me like that without anything more than just calling me pretty. I was and still very ashamed.

 

and then... a lewd drawing. yeah quite the oxymoron. but It was such a cute Idea to me. to be surrounded by a woman's strong legs and being caressed by her feet. that would be awesome sauce. but still. I don't really think of sex at all much anymore. Of course I think of romance and physical affection. but... I just don't feel very good about sex right now.

 

Oh how foolish

I think the top drawing most represents the peak of my emotion. like some embrace had finally taken me. the stupid bunny ears and all. everything went away at that point. 

 

and the sad doggy. this was the day I wrote all 3 of my dense blog posts. I had no other drawing ideas so it seemed blogging was the only thing I could do. That day really sucked.

 

I'm just really sad that The end of this sketchbook kinda got me at the worst time cause it kinda only goes down from here.

 

Another one...

Another chubby girl. She's so pretty. in a nice form fitting dress. I can see all the curves and nice wide set hips. and the most special curve. her cute smile of course :333

 

more dumb boy slut thoughts. I loveeee making marks on your partner and the other way around of course. like scratches and kissy marks and hickeys and bite marks. I love it all so much.

 

and I have a certain attraction twords lipstick marks. and I thought it would be so cute for a girl to put lipstick onto her boyfriend to kinda like show his marks on her body. almost like painting her. Which I why I made the speech thingy like that. I really like it and think it's cute.

 

Yeahhhhh....

This first post is about the several almost kinda not even close girlfriends I've had this year. I do it to myself where I just dive in doing stupid stuff letting my mind wander and draw. 

I'm just to quick to put myself in that mindset. It's not very fun but my heart is so dumb it does it all the time.

 

 The other is a rather impactful tweet about pets. about being gentile to those who depend on you like pets and children. It's how I think about my son marshmello to where He really does trust me as a huge human to be gentile to him and who am I to violate that trust. he is quite the brave little kitty for doing that. 

 

Dumb or trustful I will never know but I would not treat him any worse than the best.

 

Wax and ashes.

Some more masochism stuff. I never really think on it but I still think it's a submission and attention thing. as a major major people pleaser I almost adopt a Servant mindset.

Which Is why I often become very pathetic to those I want to date. I just wish to report to them. as a pet, it's a very disturbed view of love I know.

But If you have read everything up until now. you know I'm quite the disturbed person. but there could not be a better way to finish this than to be incredibly sad and horny. Massive thank you to those who have kept up with me. and I'll leave you with the last drawing and a note written in my horrid handwriting.