Another Girl "Processing Stuff"

Hehe The Fear is back 

I just cannot blame myself for this. or maybe I can since I always misread social ques and just don't know what I'm doing. 

Leave it to interactions with women to humble me into remembering my inept qualities. I told her what I wanted and how I view relationships and she liked it.

 

Agreed that I was far more mature than other men my age, something I'm very insecure about. considering most women my age don't date guys my age since we're thought of as immature. which it's true for most. she saw me as better than that. for someone to finally recognize my qualities. of course I'm attached to her. it's more than most do before I'm discarded. 

 

It's too much I'm doing too much. I better than to be entertaining someone that in their own word keeps returning to her abusive Ex for trauma does not stop her I don't think I could either. I knew my senseless attachment would lead me into something like this. So I better stop. stop before anything else comes from it. 

 

I can feel it. I soiled it. I ruined it. just another boy that tried. I just wished I was never the boy that pushed in the first place. so needy as to spoil a friendship and turn it into just another attempt and another rejection. I hate it. It's all my fucking fault. I did it again. There's so many girls that are so special to me that I think of every other hour of the day that I wish to spend the rest of my life with.

 

but I never hope to be another try and another rejection. for that's all I be, resigned to talking to myself in her DMs. the idealized version of our relationship she becomes again standoffish twords any sign of advance. and there it lies that it's become another attempt to flee and I've become the hunter again. Not the lover, nor even the friend. In the same way a girl cannot trust advances I can no longer trust "just processing stuff" in good spirits.

 

why must we use these tactics. I don't want to do this. does she actually intend for me to continue in some sense or would this be something I'm blocked for. the only thing I can do is listen and respect. I'm not for dating. two sides of lying truths and expectations. not a word of those expectations I have ever heard. 

 

Can I trust her in good faith? for I did the same for one I thought I could trust. I know her to be trustful. again... thought the same for the one before her. The inherit distrust made in the modern dating scene has left me either forced to adapt to such manipulation or be the victim of it.

 

I can't. I'm done. Simply I will let my dating app pick someone willing to put up with me and go through such charade again. but for the women close to me, I shall not violate such a connection I have with them. In the same way a bond is grown with gentle animals sudden movements may have them in the brush for me to never pet again. I am not for this, the mold of a dating man is one I hope to not see myself in. 

 

then again I can assign my failure to my looks. short, femme with long hair. in where I reside such a small town would never accept me. I do not accept myself at anything less than me. I have changed enough to my own limit. so there it is as it lays. I will remain single. And it's the time I have left here that I will be forced to be comfortable with that. time spent on anything else will just worsen the pain of inevitable solitude.

I want your nectar, The flower of life.

 What makes you closest to god. draws me so close. 

*Click To View* 

Women's ability to create life makes them closest to god. every perfection of their biology or those who wish to identify as such a loving gender.

 

I know coming from such a sleazy artist that I see women as something so divine but... I do. my works act as murals of my love for women. a shrine nonetheless. do I find myself worthy of penetrating such a miracle of biology? only if She were to allow it.

 

Your body knows the best places to be soft. her soft ass spread, so beautiful. a soft pinch to expose her immaculate pussy. oh so shy for her to have seen it only as an extension of her flesh, I see it as what I have dedicated my art twords.

 

fuck I'm so horny is making me damn poetic. 

Bug Blog 06-06-26

 He's Rotting You Know... 

I had an incident happen with a close friend. to where She Lied to me to where I did not want to speak to her anymore.

 

Lying about how she was not in the mood for dating anybody but had been talking to others as she told me that. it was not anything I would do to a friend so i called it at that. I do not speak to her. at this point I would only accept an apology. and only that.

 

Then I realized. all that I worked for. everything I changed. was for nothing. So I really Don't care anymore. it was somewhat liberating truthfully. I'm on a diet right now. I cut my hair. and I'm no longer comfortable with the man I was.

 

with what was left of me. I realized this just is not me. I really need to become a better person myself. before I let some girl mistreat me again. maybe it's flaws everyone sees. I'm done with fear. done with being comfortable with my horrid traits. I need to change. 

 

back to being what I really want to be. I really deviated so far to perform for girls. not that they are wrong for not enjoying the fake me. it was wrong for me to perform in the first place.

 

I look like shit and I feel it. So why look any better than I feel. My ED kicked in HARD. I don't like lifting anymore. I'm done with this idea that I'm gonna be a "strong man" considering I'm never gonna be the man.

 

I'm so happy to be living on my own. It's made my hygiene SO much better. I shower almost everyday. IDC hairdressers YOU try having thin course hair that looks oily by the end of the day. and having my small fridge with cute food and skinny girl snacks. I feel incredible.

 

I am not normal and that's okay. I've spent to much time being helpless trying to conform to norms i will never match. Not that I'm content with being what I am it's that I'll never be the beef head emo faggot the foids want. I only intend to be better than them. both the narcissist foids and metrosexual male to male Transexuals. It really feels I've wasted my year being a helpless little bitch. some hopeless romantic only basing his worth on fucking women. I'm done.

 

It's really time for me to actually have a fucking backbone. I'm spending some time to read philosophy. Soren Kierkegaard specifically. His work has alot to do with the individual man, and how he may find his purpose. I'm just starting on his work so I have only a basic idea of his work. I know I'm not special for this sort of rebirth. so it's whatever. my fear of being the same has taken so much from me.

 

I'm also done with sharing my new composition book. only excerpts of interesting drawing but due to me entries being far too personal and that I will also use the book to study and write notes of Soren. So like... Yeah it's not just drawings anymore so we are packing that up 

 

TLDR; A bitch lied, I was a bitch about it. I'm done with being a bitch :3. c.