My Art for pride month.

 The persistent struggle of identify issues and being trans. 

This is coming from someone that in the past has struggled with body dysphoria,and had questioned my gender identity. the most obvious marking being the mask, while being safer in your body. New more strict standards have been placed on your beauty, that you must be cuter, whiter, and doll faced.

 

so yes even with surgery and other things, nothing guarantees you will feel accepted in your own skin. the scars and current cuts reflect the past, present, and future of self harm and self worth issues. a past of misunderstanding, pretending and faking, lying about yourself to you. the present of not being at your body goal and plotting out what things to do now or later. while knowing yourself, you are only thinking of what you will make of yourself. and the future, like I said that even with getting all you need you still may not be safe in your skin.

 

Being trans is scary. it's not some sort of lightswitch choice in which one day you just reckon one day, you are actually a girl. even without outside influence. the internal struggle is still massive. a feeling of being excluded, not being confident in your body, dating problems, culture problems, everything that could make you not feel like you.

 

It's not fun so... I did not wanna make my pride piece be all rainbows and fun or just yaoi or yuri or everything in between. it's mostly to recognize those issues that trans people face outside of their demonization, health care issues, safety issues, and everything else politicians wish upon them for no other reasons as to be evil.   

Peach Fuzz

 There's a little demon in my brain that is making me addicted to fems with body hair 

I love natural features so much, Yknow the ones everyone is chill with like stretch marks and cellulite. But the one I'm the most outspoken for it body hair :333. Like no matter with how "progressive" we've been some men are like... actually disgusted by it.

 

like for hygienic reasons... forgetting that they are coated in thicker and denser body hair... yeah I totally don't trust the woman to keep her self clean but I totally trust your "wash once let the water get my legs for me" method. I love the way it looks, so fuzzy and soft looking, like velvet.

 

I do not want something shaven smooth, slick, naked, artificial. I know the field that should be here, but here I stand to witness mans fault. I can already feel your hair bumps, so eager your skin is to be hairy again. it's what you need :3

 

Really? Now?

Guess who finally noticed the person they ignore has finally ignored them?

This would be the one I was worse off with. I had known her for a long time. someone I cared for alot. being her friend was the easiest thing I've done. so sweet, so funny, so personable. but then wanting to date her had been my biggest mistake. It had been almost a whole month after she said she "did not want to date anyone at the moment" then days later making notes of someone she was obviously dating. then again seeing her in person with another man. she avoided me, majorly

 I know her. well I had known her apparently. cause she would be so happy to see me in person. I guess my mind version of her would have.  I did not think much of him until I saw the note. and that had to act as my closure, maybe it was my fault for ignoring the signs. the "maybe" in my mind was never a maybe, It was always a no. but I was none the wiser. so reading a dirty note of hers was my closure, I really I wish I got that "No never, never in a million years".

And after all of that. she somehow notices after an entire month that I had restricted and stopped talking to her. "hey r we good?", I really did not want to talk to her. but forcing me to rethink all of last month. It just seemed like she did not fucking understand what that did to me. I'm entirely different, my shed skin had only dried in the dust then is the time you decide to face me again. 

 I had explained. "Okay mayhaps it could have been some massive miscomunication when you said you did not want to date and then posted notes about you obviously being out with someone. I would not know considering I've already deleted our dm's" Just as concise as I could get unless it would be this I would have sent her. Just what my feelings were. that maybe I was wrong in being so dramatic, that she really did mean otherwise and I was the asshole. maybe I still am, considering she has only read it. with all of last month I would have felt vindicated being far more confrontational with her.

but I did not. perhaps she has already disregarded me. nice or not it would have been my fate. I'm just wanting to get my answer as to why she just did not be upfront with me. god fuck, I'm just going through the motions again. I really had gotten over this. I was over writing paragraphs, I was over listening to Sign Crushes Motorist on my way home and crying. fucking pages and pages of processing this shit and I was apparently so important as to talk to me. the same girl I would wait by the phone for, wait for perhaps more than half the day. the one that never had the time to message me first, suddenly I matter again.  

 And there it is. some soppy explanation about the guy she was seeing while she was talking to me. obviously Mr.tall walmart man I would assume. So I did just say it directly. why lie to me, friends don't lie. if you knew you were so deadset on walmart man. I would have supported you as a friend, not someone you lied to. friends don't fucking lie. so I'm not anybetter than the me that typed before. I went in and cherished my vindication. I'm so fucking done with tolerating shitty people. Who the fuck am I to just bend over and let her come back into my life and then obsess over someone else and have me caught in it.

 

she's got real problems. problems that have made her attachment issues. She recognizes them. which is a step, but to include a friend into it. It's just over. I've told her "a simple tolerance, I don't hate you" and leaving it as that and leaving her unblocked.