Really? Now?

Guess who finally noticed the person they ignore has finally ignored them?

This would be the one I was worse off with. I had known her for a long time. someone I cared for alot. being her friend was the easiest thing I've done. so sweet, so funny, so personable. but then wanting to date her had been my biggest mistake. It had been almost a whole month after she said she "did not want to date anyone at the moment" then days later making notes of someone she was obviously dating. then again seeing her in person with another man. she avoided me, majorly

 I know her. well I had known her apparently. cause she would be so happy to see me in person. I guess my mind version of her would have.  I did not think much of him until I saw the note. and that had to act as my closure, maybe it was my fault for ignoring the signs. the "maybe" in my mind was never a maybe, It was always a no. but I was none the wiser. so reading a dirty note of hers was my closure, I really I wish I got that "No never, never in a million years".

And after all of that. she somehow notices after an entire month that I had restricted and stopped talking to her. "hey r we good?", I really did not want to talk to her. but forcing me to rethink all of last month. It just seemed like she did not fucking understand what that did to me. I'm entirely different, my shed skin had only dried in the dust then is the time you decide to face me again. 

 I had explained. "Okay mayhaps it could have been some massive miscomunication when you said you did not want to date and then posted notes about you obviously being out with someone. I would not know considering I've already deleted our dm's" Just as concise as I could get unless it would be this I would have sent her. Just what my feelings were. that maybe I was wrong in being so dramatic, that she really did mean otherwise and I was the asshole. maybe I still am, considering she has only read it. with all of last month I would have felt vindicated being far more confrontational with her.

but I did not. perhaps she has already disregarded me. nice or not it would have been my fate. I'm just wanting to get my answer as to why she just did not be upfront with me. god fuck, I'm just going through the motions again. I really had gotten over this. I was over writing paragraphs, I was over listening to Sign Crushes Motorist on my way home and crying. fucking pages and pages of processing this shit and I was apparently so important as to talk to me. the same girl I would wait by the phone for, wait for perhaps more than half the day. the one that never had the time to message me first, suddenly I matter again.  

 And there it is. some soppy explanation about the guy she was seeing while she was talking to me. obviously Mr.tall walmart man I would assume. So I did just say it directly. why lie to me, friends don't lie. if you knew you were so deadset on walmart man. I would have supported you as a friend, not someone you lied to. friends don't fucking lie. so I'm not anybetter than the me that typed before. I went in and cherished my vindication. I'm so fucking done with tolerating shitty people. Who the fuck am I to just bend over and let her come back into my life and then obsess over someone else and have me caught in it.

 

she's got real problems. problems that have made her attachment issues. She recognizes them. which is a step, but to include a friend into it. It's just over. I've told her "a simple tolerance, I don't hate you" and leaving it as that and leaving her unblocked. v 

Thank You Latinas. For Being Insane, Sexy, and Insanley Sexy.

 God Bless 

Would you Like to take a wild guess being a brown person in texas... it's quite the coincidence that I am Mexican. I don't speak much of it since it does not really influence my work but after this piece. I really want to now. 

 

I think about this joint I used to work at called Rosa's Cafe. and if you look at their dining rooms and looking at their marketing material. You notice how colorful Mexican art is. I love it. especially more vintage print ads. which the rosa's I worked at had alot of print ads on the wall.

 

The pottery and patterns and subject matters. I really like it. so maybe It's time for me to be loud about my ethnicity and fuck yeah I'm still drawing bewbs. it will just look like a Tecate ad or a Sol beer ad.   c 

You Are My Drug: I Need To Work On My Addiction.

Things have gotten clearer within these last months,but It's still a feeling of being lost. a fear I need to face, That as I exist, No woman wishes to have me as anything more than a friend.

Not that this will be forever, it will only feel like forever. I know it will be a very patient and special girl to put up with me. I still worry if I am content with my lack of growth as to preserve my idea of a stable man.

I know I do not deserve it. No matter what I may do, it is limited to me as a person. and as I have Adhd and mild autism. there are things I know I will never fix. for all the books I read I will never truly face her beautiful eyes without a feeling of fear and guilt.

 

It's just what is wrong with me. shall I rejoice in my flaws, yes. Though romance is my language,I must be reminded of your presence. I think of every aspect of you, I've only known you from a distance. I've only known you from films and movies. all that is idolized versions of you. I think of what I'm supposed to be as well. not anything that I match for you, I was never ready to be what you really want. and every attempt to speak to you can only be simmered down to every time I stuttered and could not face you and speak to you.

 

I can only wish to be what you want. you are every ounce of what I want, An addiction I face every time I see a curve that shares your shadow. the feeling of my pillows I could only imagine being something as warm as you. I'm afraid one day I may have a hatred for you, And so I must stop. before the way I think of you changes into something I could never undo. 

 

I'm doing all I can. I've embarrassed myself in front of so many girls. rejections and a constant loop of stagnated talking stages. this will only lead me to hating something that has rejected all of my efforts. I just wish being obedient, aware, and empathetic was enough, or even being rewarded. I'm done, seriously. for now or until a girl forces me to date her. I'm done with asking girls out.