Why did I have to think about her again

 

 I Gave it two minutes and no it did not get better.

 I don't really know what made me dream of her. it felt to different to see her in anything more than just a passing thought. as real as she had been since I had last seen her.

 

From those almost 6 years I had not seen another like her. like my one tether had just gone. she moved away, and It felt horrid at the time I just did not know how long it would be to never find her again. I sound like such a fucking loser toiling over her writing, thinking, dreading. and stalking admittedly. I just wish to be fucking normal at this point. pack up all the weird shit,burn all my stupid drawings and just be a boring fucking dude so then I would not have to act so broken hearted as if I had gotten that text yesterday.

 

I have not been in a real relationship since then. it hurts to admit. That's why I see her as my tether. will there really be anybody that attached to me? was that my one chance and I lost her to something I could not control. and to not know how much I'd value her in those coming years. and even to this hour and minute and SECOND I think of what could have been. And it's everyone of those seconds that I feel like a pathetic burden. would I really want to be back with her if I was such an emotional mess.

 

as if she died and I had spent my years mourning. I don't think I'm worthy of her. I don't think I'm worthy of most. I could only just hope girls find me entertaining enough to just reply to and watch. she picked me out from all and asked me. I felt so special. more than i had ever felt in my whole life. the only thing willing to pick me is fucking creepy older men. I know the only thing they'd want me for. would someone just pick me for me? Just put some effort into me. Please it's just all I would want. remember what I like. know the color of my eyes and my cat's name.

 

I had gotten one chance to make up a gift for what I thought was a date and I put everything into it. her fav drink, animal, snacks, theme. I just want something to give my everything to. so I don't have to mourn this 6 year loss. am I just too goddamn scared and docile to bother a woman into talking to me? I wish she would just pick me. I can actually feel safe and not feel a burden to her. It's just too much to ask I guess. why even ask, I just know the one and only girl that did that for me. and there the pain loops again  cc