Bunny Boy and His Wolf Wife.

 Prey minded silly boy. 

NEED :33. I really like prey and predator play. I think it can make more fun scenes than just owner and pet.

 

Like the hunt sounds so fun. either it be just basic humane manipulation or physical means. like traps and restraints. 

 

I mean to be honest this is very soft dom. which is really cute tho. the ref image was just two girls but..... I know a boy wants to be treated like this. I DO!!!. I really like how this edit came out. It's such a soft looking and cute texture.

 

But I don't have much else to say really :33 c 

Ignored. I don't know how many chances I'm gonna give myself.

 Make it 6 rejections this year. 

It would mark the 4th day she had ignored me. I had just let in one last pathetic attempt.

 

maybe this was some big misunderstanding. she had just completely missed my messages while she has been online several times. maybe, I just wish she would tell me to fuck off or something. I'd feel more important. meaningful enough to tell off. Makes me feel less for just being ignored.

 

Just tossed aside. I'm sure she did not feel a thing. again, I was just me. the way I am. Ignored again. I'm always just ignored. does it seem I would not be able to handle it? or take it the right way or something? Would not matter either way cause they are right. I can't handle it.

 

Look at me. 2 in the same month and I'm a useless messy sad mess. typing away on my stupid smut site. I just want to do what I'm comfortable with, I don't want to pick up women out in public. I think that sounds really trashy. but none of the women I'm already friends with don't want anything to do with dating.

 

I've said it before. but I don't know if I want to date at all anymore. Just stop fucking trying at this point. am I really gonna give up right before the one gives me a change or will I finally find peace and not determine my entire value in having a person patient enough to put up with me.

 

I just deleted Hinge I'm fucking done with all of it. clearly I'm not enough. not fucking close. why try, girls would like me better if I did this or that but will I like me. Or will I find comfort knowing they only put up with me cause maybe I got prettier, or stronger, or got a shit ton of money.

 

I'm at my lowest point and I show it. and nobody likes it. so whats the fucking point. Live my life with someone that can't handle my worst. I don't have enough for girls to just ignore. I'm just a walking blob of flaws apparently. does not fucking matter anyways.

 

I'll be back at it at some point. I know, I'm just to love starved to keep this up. like I don't fight so hard to get it. the grapes are obviously sour. not like being held right now could make me cry in an instant. I put it all out. just hoping someday something will catch it. but I'm just to empty at this point I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I'm scared.     

THE FINAL PAGES!!!

  Scratchy Scratchy :333  

I love long nails. Like really really like long nails. especially sharp sharp nails as well. like talons, and I want to be in those talons so fufin badddd.

 

Sharp and deep scratches :3. mr masochism clocking in :3 also uhhh I started rewatching Clarence and drew sumo's Dad cause. He's kinda hot to me. I know he's like mad unstable and weird asf and violent... but I could change him.

 

And the other is just this clown girl. I thought her makeup is cute. If I were to do makeup that's the style I would do. is like doll face and clown stuff :3

 

Big girl~~~

ANOTHER drawing of a big girl cuz... hehehehe~~~ actually kinda not. this was a piece to represent my muse. but I had a dramatic moment and It's different to me now.

 

Some sort of a dreamy representation of poetic form of praise. crazy how much this page is in retrospect. It looks to be my most positive thoughts to my lowest point in one page. And If you've seen the sad bitch blogs you'd know what I'm kinda dealing with right now.

 

 

The Clarence boyz

I gotta say Clarence is top 10 cartoons ever of all time. in my list at least. this is coming from someone who watched uncle grandpa when I was a kid so take that with a grain of salt.

 

The wonder and fun of Clarence story lines are Immaculate. Like sitting to wait at the doctors office or going to water park. the characters are perfectly imperfect since they are kids

 

being somewhat naturally selfish. and being dumb as well. especially Clarence which sometimes he can get kinda irritating you learn to have patience with him as a character cause of his qualities as a person.

 

The Night after.

Around this time I had a bit of an incident with a friend. It was my fault. I don't blame them for anything but after it I had great shame in my lewdness.

 

Another person I let treat me like that without anything more than just calling me pretty. I was and still very ashamed.

 

and then... a lewd drawing. yeah quite the oxymoron. but It was such a cute Idea to me. to be surrounded by a woman's strong legs and being caressed by her feet. that would be awesome sauce. but still. I don't really think of sex at all much anymore. Of course I think of romance and physical affection. but... I just don't feel very good about sex right now.

 

Oh how foolish

I think the top drawing most represents the peak of my emotion. like some embrace had finally taken me. the stupid bunny ears and all. everything went away at that point. 

 

and the sad doggy. this was the day I wrote all 3 of my dense blog posts. I had no other drawing ideas so it seemed blogging was the only thing I could do. That day really sucked.

 

I'm just really sad that The end of this sketchbook kinda got me at the worst time cause it kinda only goes down from here.

 

Another one...

Another chubby girl. She's so pretty. in a nice form fitting dress. I can see all the curves and nice wide set hips. and the most special curve. her cute smile of course :333

 

more dumb boy slut thoughts. I loveeee making marks on your partner and the other way around of course. like scratches and kissy marks and hickeys and bite marks. I love it all so much.

 

and I have a certain attraction twords lipstick marks. and I thought it would be so cute for a girl to put lipstick onto her boyfriend to kinda like show his marks on her body. almost like painting her. Which I why I made the speech thingy like that. I really like it and think it's cute.

 

Yeahhhhh....

This first post is about the several almost kinda not even close girlfriends I've had this year. I do it to myself where I just dive in doing stupid stuff letting my mind wander and draw. 

I'm just to quick to put myself in that mindset. It's not very fun but my heart is so dumb it does it all the time.

 

 The other is a rather impactful tweet about pets. about being gentile to those who depend on you like pets and children. It's how I think about my son marshmello to where He really does trust me as a huge human to be gentile to him and who am I to violate that trust. he is quite the brave little kitty for doing that. 

 

Dumb or trustful I will never know but I would not treat him any worse than the best.

 

Wax and ashes.

Some more masochism stuff. I never really think on it but I still think it's a submission and attention thing. as a major major people pleaser I almost adopt a Servant mindset.

Which Is why I often become very pathetic to those I want to date. I just wish to report to them. as a pet, it's a very disturbed view of love I know.

But If you have read everything up until now. you know I'm quite the disturbed person. but there could not be a better way to finish this than to be incredibly sad and horny. Massive thank you to those who have kept up with me. and I'll leave you with the last drawing and a note written in my horrid handwriting.

 

 

 

  

   

Shy Bunny

 My Self Slut shaming has come to a tee. 

*Click To View* 

Context. Someone started talking to me and I wanted to be friends. but their constant flirting got into my mind.

 

And one night they had invited me to come over after work. I was really tired and not thinking much of it.

 

I had only planned to stay for a second and leave after but one thing and pressure led me into their bed. and they started to grope at me and speak nice things. and I let it happen. I loved it while it happened. they kept me up all night. it was not until I was driving home that the Vail of shame wore over me.

 

Again I let it happen. give my body to those who only gave me words. I just let anyone in, It's pathetic I know. I'm just far too desperate to not. I hate it. along with other things. I am very ashamed of myself. I'm too disgusting for sex, and I am far less than worthy of dating anybody. 

 

only a slut worthy of whoever decides to pick them up off the street.

All I Know is to Whine And Bleed

I sit desolate as if I knew how to treat her. Do I really know myself. Is it just another thing only left in my thoughts? Would I really be a good partner? I don't know. I'm no better than a bunny in a snare.

 

All I Know is to Whine And Bleed. I create, and for that sake I am always exposed. Just cause I can't help it. I really must be insufferable to be around. to see all my feelings materialized through drawings and stupid blog posts. I'm just too open. to willing to let anyone know how I'm feeling in the day. 

 

other people have feelings. it's hard to know cause you don't come to the bleeding one for bandages. I wish to help others in that way but I don't think they would ever. cause all I know is to whine and bleed.

 

I don't know how many tries I have in me. it just seems another girl would just be another witness of my continuous bleed. one I just love to share and whine about. should I just be the stoic man, it's a pain I can't hide. I just don't know what to do. 

 

Not a single woman would really want to read the pages I've made. and bare my trauma dump to pity me once more. it seems the more I write I bury myself deeper. the more I share with her it seems to get worse.

 

Just give me dumb comforting words please. please

 

I'm such a fucking bother. needing constant reassurance and attention. constantly drifting into some loneliness until she grounds me again. looping and peaking, mood swings. from bleeding to Whining, It's pathetic. but It's all I know. 

 

I don't know If I wanna date anymore. I'd just be some girls problem. I know I am, I feel that to women who have not a obligation to even talk to me. yet they do, and I share the same pity they have for me to them. for putting up with all I do.   

 

 

 

Fucked Up Always And Forever.

 I feel like shit. 

It's Been the feeling in my hands. clamping at my stomach, since it was said.

 

Judgement, fear, worry. It's has not left. I only wish it could. I only treat it as a guest at this point. I feel I wear this band of guilt and shame, a band everyone sees. so strong I can't form my face to show any other emotion.

 

I do it to myself. Always flying to close to the fucking sun. like If it was something that could fix me overnight. what a fool. It's quite the abusive relationship I have with my past self.

 

Future me is always right, past me only thinks in terms of cute little love notes. There was still that goth girl that works across from me and does not even bother to glance at me. even though I am always the first to look. It feels pathetic. I don't even want to look that way just to again be the first to look.

 

This whole month has been fucking terrible. I feel so used and pathetic.

 

I immensely hate all my thoughts of sexuality. knowing it was what got me in trouble.

 

I hate my heart. knowing it was what got me in trouble.

    

I Think you can imagine what this has done to the image of myself. The stress sweat reeks like it will travel for miles. I only see the sheen of the oil on my face. and the thick strands of oily hair. And thinking of the mind that body shares it feels horrid. lewd disgusting thoughts leading me into traps and toil. romantic thoughts again leading me to a sense of hope. far to quick for me to notice yet again it's a foolish chore.

 

I don't have the energy to do anything other than just typing. I don't want to eat. it feels as if everything I eat sits just at the base of my throat. primed to just vomit the nothing I had eaten. Just to sit with my thoughts, I hope I can do something cause I don't know how much longer I can sit with myself.

 

Just listening to depressing music cause anything else feels foolish like Allen Poe at a wiggles concert. Hopefully it will snap the beauty of the world back into me. then again hearing beauty only makes me think of her. and then another loop and then its bad again.

 

I can only hope I'm just in some deep mood swing and give it a week or two and this will just be another little episode. but then it will just mean I'm at the peak of the swingset. and only due to come back again. So I guess I will see this again.   

Fucked up again, again and again.

It's all undone. It's not her fault. Just the wrong time I guess. I never really is the right time for me.

 

still friends and I just went ahead and declined our planned meetup cause of afflicting plans. It's all my fault. I really put to much into this. It's not her fault. into the depths of my own perfect fantasy but something just does not work out. 

 

All me. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I could face her again. I'm such a fucking loser. Today she had fallen asleep and did not tell me. I had only imagined the worse and was breaking down. I told her what had happened. after that she had just reminded me we are still only friends. she had only entertained it yet it was the future in my eyes. so fucking foolish. I just don't think we will be the same after this. that's my biggest fear. I had just completely embarrassed myself, stupid drawings and blog posts. all done on my own. can we just go back to being friends after she's seen the drawings about her and the writings. I don't think it could be the same. 

 

Not to me at least, I just feel so pathetic. and it's the only feeling I have talking to her now. like just out of pity. By my own doing, fucking all of it. I don't know if I wanna do this dating thing anymore at all. if it's gonna hurt this much to get very indirectly happenstance rejected. 

 

I'm too soft. and I've known that. I'm in a mans realm.   

"hmph~ I'm Just So Tired Laying Here~~~"

 I wuv purple 

The ref is from the bluesky model meebs. She is a really fun model to follow she has a very pretty and thick body. 

 

She makes alot of posts about sub males so I could only assume she is a femdom which is very VERY nice :333

 

I'm starting to do less with my crosshatching and I'm starting to like it more and more honestly. The softer contoured shading just draws out the curves better. It really helps you focus on her... great personality. she had requested for her face to not be very clear so I had to listen to her.

 

So I just gave her some foggy glasses. though she does not appear to be the nerdy slutty type I just thought it would be a cute look given the rather Koi pose. I really like it considering how well it shows her thickness. Just an absolute goddamn wagon. So yurp I Like it and I hope you do as well :333 

River Mommy :333

 It's all natural. 

Y'all KNOW my addiction to granola moms. and this another example. just thinking it was gonna be a picnic she reckons it would be pretty nice to just Sit by the lake.

 

and then it would be a good idea to swim. and it's just unnatural to swim with clothes on. and you are certainly not exempt from this. skinny dipping sounds awesome. especially with a milf. such a pretty slender body. perfect palm sized perky breasts. and a perky butt. would be such a nice swim with her.

 

something would be swimming even after we get out of the water ;3333 

  

 

Da Princess

 LET ME IN THAT PEACH!!! 

*CLICK TO VIEW* 

 

I'm more of a daisy fan but Princess peach is my bimbo Icon. I mean she's got to be one of the most iconic princesses of fiction.

 

Well to me at least. I would love to be a princess. I love how this came out. this pose is IMMACULATE it seems to be a rare pose that shows both bust and Ass in within the same composition but this. It's great, to see her pussy from the rear in between her plump legs and puffy nipples. such a quaint and almost hypnotizing pose. I really like it.

 

It really fits the princess well. I really like it. I know I said bimbo Icon I made her out to be a little more innocent looking in this with all the soft colors and soft shading her body just looks so fucking soft and she looks very... uh sex-able or whatever. She's got my warp pipe throbbin :3 h  cc 

Boob Artist Finally Studies.

 I know I know very shocking. 

 I just had to face my biggest problem which is proportions and perspective. like I am locked in with the proportions of the face from straight on and at an angle but from looking down and looking up. That's a huge struggle with me, so this is the study page. 

 

Zermmm I don't really have much else to say since this is just a study page I mean why else do I do it. I just do it to draw better :333

 

More Femdom :333 

Ashamed to admit my coworker saw this one. Er well the people that also work in the airport I mean. It's a pretty empty airport so like who else do we have to talk to. and my coworker walked by and asked what I was drawing. And I told him it was not very appropriate. And he said he did not care so I showed him and yeah He did not really care. 

 

I also talk to the TSA ladies and I think they know I'm a sub male. cause they asked me about it :(((. we were joking about birth signs and they said my sign is very dominant. and they did not think so, I know they are right but I don't know if I'm chill with being this readable. but I like this tho :33 I really really!!! REALLY want this treatment.

Squares.

 

Yeah...

 

Just a ton of squares cause I need to tap in with my perspective and actually practice. and then it's just me being a husky slut in the corner. hopefully me some day...

 

Boys just wanna have fun with each other ;3

My new fav thing to do is use UFC grappling or wresting as references for Yaoi Boys. I love the rough and rather intimate action between the two wrestlers. Not that I would like this kind of treatment... Never ever I would just hate it if that happened to me...

 

And my other drug of choice. drawing fucking puppy stuff. This is mainly to focus on the owner. I love that tall and tomboyish look. It's addictive, tomboy doms man... Not even once. this kinda does show my two sides both are like kinda fucked.

 

From rough grappling and groping to very soft and loving physical attention. 

Alice

Saw this really cute pic and decided to get whimsical with it. It got me to contour my crosshatching and it's something I do more after this. I'm starting to be more subtle with it. 
 

Alice always reminds me of the pogo song. which then reminds me of 2017 animation memes. that was such a fun time for deviant art and being an artist online overall. something about that era was just so awesome sauce. I don't know what has really changed about being an artist on social media cause. I just don't include myself in that garbage anymore.

 

It's like every other week there is an artist we are supposed to hate for some reason or a trashy trend. I hate it all honestly so that's why I'm a recluses to my site. 

Cute Girlzzzzz

This is what I mean when I say my crosshatching is getting more simple. And I am really liking how it's looking.

 

I only needed just three passes but all the details come through really nice and the forms and curves look real real nice. These girls are like stock model pretty. but you know I love all ladies and they look great in this.

 

As a street fashion and goth fashion geek it's not often I draw dresses or like "model girl" fashion type of clothes but this is super cunty. It really draws the focus to her. big eyes. and the other is just a cute top and skirt :3.

 

I always wanted to fuck him...

I been a gorillaz fan for a long time now. since humanz dropped actually. they were very important to my music taste. and one thing I always remember is the humility music video.

 

In that music video 2d Rollerskates in the SLUTTIEST outfit. little white shirt and short shorts ohhh mercy. so here he is in my style with that tight dancers body. I oughta... Do alot of stuff to him... Let's not get into detail cause mother Maria.

 

coming from a background of Mother Mary Candles and statues she always reminds me of my grandmas and cousins house since my fathers side is more religious than my mothers side.

 

Me in Garfield.
Self shipping has always been such an interesting concept in internet fandom. It's when I came across an Jon Arbuckle self shipper that I thought it would be cute to draw myself as Garfield.

 

It was cool to study from cartoons and I like doing it alot. so there I am with my eye shadow and Mustache. And my favvv kitten in the world Nermal!!! I would have said a long time ago I'm more like Garf but I need to embrace that I am nermal :3333. 

 

I reckon I was on a roll so I then also drew cyborg noodle. for all the ex members of the band I would have to say cyborg is the weirdest. with the whole backstory of them loosing noodle they then just clone her? it's so strange. and She does not have that much story. I would even say Ace has more lore.

More More More!

I really like these. The first is me with my son Marshmellow. He's so cute IRL real life and it translates perfectly :33. and the other is me all dressed up like Garfield. with the ears tail and pookie. I'm thinking if I were to ever go to a costume party I would be nermal or Garfield

 

Garf had been one of my fav comic strips when I was younger. I had always wanted to be a comic strip artist. and garf was one of my big inspos. Now I don't really have that dream any more it's interesting to see where my roots are.

 

Baddie in Blue :3
The shift that day was kinda weird since I actually worked with someone that night. Normally It's just me by myself so.... I could not draw my usual gay boys and puppy girls.

 

I had brought this up a while ago but it is getting pretty hard to draw on one side of the book the one that sits above all the other pages. since all the pages are wavy and the book is super thick its really unstable.

 

Those with junky sketchbooks would understand. so it's alot more easier to kinda like scrap book it and draw on scrap paper and paste it into the book. I Wonder how obvious the trend is if you were to focus on it.   

Kinda fell off.....
This page is kinda sucks... EXCEPT the drawing of my friend that I accidentally pasted over. I'm so glad that she loved it. I mean she's so pretty so it was easy to show it.

 

The drawing on the top really flopped but I intended it to be like an owl catching a mouse. I love owl like women. strong and stern and graceful. how I love my ladies. 

 

and den the other drawing of a uh... fabric practice. Just gotta study how boy tits effect tight button up shirts. It looks really good to me.

More artblock carp.
This page

 

Really 

 

Sucks

 

Not much 

 

Else to say

Oh my this one was very risky

This will be very explicit I will say right now.

 

So this one time I had a girl let me jerk off and she would tell me times to start and stop. apparently I am very easy to read cause she would always tell me to stop when I was very close to finishing. It was exhilarating.

 

I think it's such a cute scene for a dom and sub. Orgasm control and obedience training it's so awesome sauce. I also censored the peter cause.. I was drawing this at work I was like super paranoid while drawing this like a customer could pull up at any second. but I got it finished at some point.

 

And then the other is just a surfer girl with some pokers :33

 

My Two reasons for being Bi.

I had the idea to boy slut-ify the classic nerd outfit of the zelda shirt and cargo shorts. this is like my ideal body. I want to dress like this sooo freaking badddduhhhhh.

and then at the same time this is my ideal body. a little naughty secretary in a sheer sweater and kissy marks all over her.

I really do love these two their body types and outfits came out so well. And then again the simpler crosshatching is helping alot.

 

Another Office lady

Perhaps this is the one who put the kissy marks onto the other girl. I've talked about this before but I LOVE LOVE Office sirens.

 

You KNOW she does not play about what time you pull up to the date and I LOVE that kinda attitude. A women that will REALLY straighten you out if she would need to. 

 

Baddiesssss

MY QUEEN MARILYN She is my fav ever of all time. as well as Bettie Paige they are an extension of my fem expressions. artistically and sexually.

 

and I mean who hates looking at them. I love looking at them. and then another is a pretty bimbo girl. I would look like an asshole in those types of sunglasses but once a pretty girl wears those she could own me if she were to say so.

 

and then. silly kitty :3333 This picture was so fufin silly I wish I could find it again but I don't think I saved it anywhere.

 

bunny and miss slim

This is for all my underweight girls out there I love yall alot. especially those who are working on it through dieting and working out. 

another drawing that's not very shaded at all really and I think the simplicity made it look even cuter. pixie cuts are so pretty on skinny girls. Really poofy or long hair can look kinda awkward to me but as long as you slay it you can play it.

 

But for me that's how I'd work with it. BUNUYYYY I love bunny so much and this is just a little drawing of bunny :333

 

Big girl *drooling emoji*
This one is for all my overweight girls out there I love yall alot. I see this as a house wife finally trying on one of those form fitting dresses for the first time.

 

Such a thick wide and chubby build its immaculate. I'm obsessed with the belly. I always see it with older women and how they were raised they have super high standards for their own body when older women are built like goddesses.        

Another dress thing. but with Medusa wearing a very low crop with no bra. I would imagine it would be funny if Medusa had some hangers and her powers were not effective. 

 

So there's my stupid little one panel comic about it. 

 OVERALL 

I do it too much to where I have to write ONE huge blog cause I put too much space in-between updates. I don't mind writing a ton. I must seem like a chore to my readers though. I reckon I had not been blogging enough hehe. I'm glad It's been keeping my drawing habit up though.  cc 

 

I Fucked up again, again. Will the lost ever find their way...

 

 I'm a fucking whore  

I had been talking to this person for a while since they started talking to me. cause they were a friend of a friend. and they speak to me in a very sexual tone. which in some fucked way. I like.

 

Rather embarrassing and degrading actions thrust upon me in the form of text. I somehow find joy in that. After talking with them for a while it was last night that they heavily insisted I come over for a bit. and I thought well I really do like meeting new people in person so I should do that. considering it was past 12am I should have known better.

 

both watching Tv and they reach to grope me. they had been groping me the whole time I was over but, I love that attention. I just let it happen. they reach under my shorts and begin to touch me. no nothing,I went over. paid for my own food and laid there. and let it happen. like I always fucking do.

 

Something in my dumb whore mind just makes lewd thoughts appear something deeper than surface attraction. grabbing at my body and kissing at me all over. It makes me feel better at the time. but then I realize they had never said "I love you" or "you look so pretty like this". no gifts, cards, or a compliment.

 

I'm such a cheap bitch. I'm  so fucking embarrassed. I just wish someone really cared for me. I don't want sex anymore. I'm done, I hate my body. I did not think my self worth could just tank so fucking much within a couple of days. it's scary, I don't know what to do.      

I fucked up again. once time in a long time.

 

 I really Tried To Talk to a girl again 

I really don't know If I wanna try dating people again. She technically was not a co worker but someone I work close with.

 

I had that feeling again. that I was just bothering her. I felt like a fucking creep, like I always do. All I want to do is respect girl's boundaries just talk to girls that want to talk to me. and there's been zero that would want to do that. it just seems that they don't care. why don't they care about me.

 

I had a really bad break down driving home. and fighting one right now. she works right across from me and I feel like such a creepy grease ball wanting to look over and witness her beauty. It's been 10 years since I've had a relationship. I don't think I've had a girl talk to me how she did since. I did not feel like I had to pressure her or use her politeness against her or anything. I don't want to do all that shit. 

 

But it's not working and I just don't know it's fucking destroying my confidence. I had been building it for years at this point and I just feel it had been all thrown out. I feel like a weak pathetic loser. am I just not strong enough or brave not handsome enough or something. why else must I be treated like this. can't they just pretend to enjoy how fucking awkward and off putting I am.

      

It feels so goddamn humiliating to just put my feelings out only to just know deep down that It's gonna end how it always ends. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't Dress well and be polite only to get girls but I really do put the effort into doing the right things. I'm just close to fucking giving up. 

 

I'm just too emotional. I'm a fucking mess, sobbing to myself and writing a weekly pity essays. What woman would want to put up with consoling their boyfriend. crying over roadkill and bunnies. 

 

I'm scared, and I don't know where to go from here.

Bug Blog 04-02-2026

 Emotional month. But aren't they all? 

The end of this month has been haunted. It's something that only happened yesterday but it feels to be the conclusion of my emotions this month. that night I had a dream where I had finally seen my old girlfriend. helping her with something completely disappointing her in someway. she had disregarded me and shooed me away. everything thing blurred dark it was so intense that it simply woke me. earlier than I ever wake up.

 

There I lie awake considering going back to sleep. but then I remember her online alias and file through old inactive pages till I reach an active profile of hers. it's dark and I stare at the Direct message icon. and really think, does she know? would I burden her with my unresolved loss of her from my life years ago? though plain text I knew every message would have had the aura of pity over all of them. 

   

 Nowhere relations 

It seemed those who I talked to simply answered me. the one girl that I thought really tolerated me did not say anything more after I had begun to miss good morning texts. the same with another, but with her it's different. I had been writing about her since last year at this point. It's only made me feel of a burden to others I try and talk to. what is wrong with me.

 

It's just something that makes me intolerable and weird? something that's making it so hard to find another that finds life with me better than just leaving me aside as something just to answer and not to ask and understand. It's not an ounce of anger I feel. just something that makes me think of the one girl that understood me. something that makes me search for her. yet hesitate to talk to her once again. cause I know she would only have replies for me.

 

 A Crow Looked at Me 

That Would be the soundtrack of this month at points it felt like a celebration of life, then a crushing reality of the isolation one lives in. my son marshmallow is my beacon. a value I attach to those willing to listen to tolerate me. I wish you had caught me at a better time then I could talk about the fun stuff I did this month but the whole dream girlfriend thing has not been good for me.

 

This month had not really been anything. it just feels it's all catching up to me right now. why my adulthood just has not felt like anything much at all. I really am starting to feel the pressure of needing something to show since being out of high school for so long now. yet here I stand in the same exact position as almost 4 years ago now.

 

but it is while I write this that I have one who talks to me almost every hour of the day. I value her, I have others I talk to. those who keep me grounded. while writing this was important for myself it will be my friends who remind me of my worthiness as a companion. I am a good boy, good boys have friends. I am a very happy boy because my friends love me.