"05-08-26
I'm not the brave they want. I'm just too scared. I've mixed it with other feelings but it's really what it is. I'm scared. too scared to talk to girls I know. I'm so scared. the type that makes you sick. the type that makes you hate yourself for not doing anything
I do everyday. like a chance crops up and I ruin it because I'm such a pussy.
I never deserved it. I'm not some sort of knight in shining armor. I'm just a moody sensitive bitch.
I can just only dream of a girl that will think I'm pretty enough to ask me out. but I know that will never happen"
" I just sit like a lonely bunny only waiting to be adopted. It's how I've felt my whole life. Jut something that needs food and a little cage. My mother was not very affectionate to me. it hurts to know a small bit of how someone who loves you should treat you physically.
It feels pathetic. It's something I want so bad but I just can't. I just want to be a pet. something that's always reassured physically and verbally. it's so dumb it's never going to happen.
the warm and soft arms of a woman around me. very subtle girl smell and a voice that tells me how proud of me she is and she loves me and I'm her perfect little bunny.
I don't know what I'm doing I'm not a normal person. why the fuck did i not just conform and become normal and not turn into this inept furry freak wanting to be treated like a damn pet.
It's a shame that wears on me like the stink of a skunk. I know girls smell it on me. I reek of weakness, sensitivity and perversion. Lust stains me. I'm disgusted by myself."
"My Hygene and artwork. a ball of grease. I feel like a stain. women are the lace of the world. never was i clean enough to ever touch it.
I can hardly talk to women in person. I've regressed so much. I feel horrid again for the millionth time I don't know what I'm doing and I'm scared.
I have so much feelings and fear. The only place I can put it would be into these pages. Inked along with my tasteless memorials of the female body.
I've had the same life for 20 years. the same loveless and touchless life. not one year spent in the arms of someone that actually loves me. Will I ever see this part of life? will it be 20 and another 20 and another till I die alone?.
My independence has been draining. never have I felt so dependent on female attention and approval. constantly waiting on replies and and immediately replying to them. thinking of all my features based on the micro expressions of girls. I know it's not working and I just come off as awkward"
"I've burned through all the girls on hinge already. within 100 miles and still nothing. just one girl that stopped talking to me.
I can't blame them, at this point I just know wht girls will never like me. and I'll always get the same "you'll find her one day" every day until I die. I know I will never find her. I'm just made wrong.
Just looking for a girl that will substitute for the love I never got from my mother. it's wrong, It's not normal. I'm not normal. It will take years to fix and I don't know if I have years left.
I don't want to do this lifting shit anyways. I was never strong enough anyways. are my biceps going to fix my sensitive emotions? I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I'm sick on an empty stomach
My medicine is something that does not exist. so I will live my whole life sick."
"05-09-26
the A/C if finally ready and I'm just waiting for power. I'm planning to have things boxed by Monday. and also -"
This is just a really cute pinup of may. in the classic horror girl outfit. a large tee or cropped tee and just panties. I mean... if i were a girl this would be my go to at home outfit.
But like I'm just a guy so sweats with my dick print showing is the best I can do. hehe~~ especially living alone it's kinda fun to prance around in an outfit like that.
"I started talking to a girl IN REAL LIFE. It was a really cute girl that works next to me at the Avis/Budget car rental. the evening flight got grounded and I went to chat with her and we ended up talking for almost an hour
she is so cute and has the most sweetest velvet giggles. Its foolish I know at some point I will regret this (I do). but god I'm hooked. I just need to ground myself but minimum I would want to be friends with her. she is so sweet and since I work with her I would not want to spoil things with her.
Yeah writing right now. since she is not from here and is only here for college she is currently away for the summer and still does not text me very much. I fucking hate my life. I seriously want to fucking die not like I'm not given hope. it's just the flame dies so quick i can't help to think to find solace in a shotgun to my fucking mouth.
"05-11-26
She's going back home for the summer. And I just know she's answering me. just like the rest of them.
that if I just stop I would never get another goodnight or good morning. just one or two words is all i can get from her. I had confessed to her that I really wanted to date but sadly I'm still me"
I really miss how boys used to treat me. I was such a pretty boy and they were always the one to remind me that.
"It's over. not that I won't try but from how she is acting. she's obviously not interested.. I should have known. she is far too pretty from something as disgusting as me. nothing but fucking filth.
I want to be done with dating so bad. I deleted hinge again. I'm having suicidal thoughts. I was made so wrong. Live is just always out of reach. I live this hell forced to watch what I've never been given in my whole life. just too far or THAT IM JUST TOO UGLY, I'M JUST TOO WEIRD. IT'S FUCKING HELL.
It's never gonna happen living in this fucking horrid dead end city. everything just feels so cold.I'm scared again. It's just so cold and unwarm. there is no life. only what I see. only what I want. something won't leave or choose to curl along with the leaves. It's not fair.
the clouds are getting so dark around me. I'm so scared.
Not even the reddit girl could put up with me enough to text me. why would anyone. I'm really fucking done with dating until my retard self thinks a girl likes me ( she does not )"
"all I think of is her. for that time we talked. I almost did not feel time pass. so pretty, so much potential. and I wished to see it all. but I'm just too fucking disgusting. Always there to fucking ruin it all.
For every small interaction I have with girls I like I keep it somewhere. chats,hangouts. things I made and bought. It's the closest I'll ever be to a boyfriend/ replaying all the laughs and gazes. makes me feel like I really had something.
It's never anything further than that. no kisses, no cuddles, no "I love you" or anything cause by then they learn I'm a fucking loser. or maybe they knew and they were just being nice to me.
It will never happen but the day I'm in a woman's arms, I will weep. I don't know how long but however much is needed for 20 years of nothing.
I just want to wander off and die peacefully among the rabbits. I know pretty flowers would bloom from me. and maybe she would pick those flowers.
but I guess something will force me to keep from eating 4 silica packets and dying in the forest"
"05-14-26
Finally all moved in and I feel awesome. the house is... brutal but I can work around it. there are roaches but im working on keeping everything dry and leaving no food out.
I still need a fridge and a stove... but I've got both secured. It's just when we can get those moved into the house.
I'm really excited to start interior design stuff like paint and redoing and prettying up the cabinets.
I really need to work on getting a new mattress though. that's my big focus this week. cause the angel I take home deserves a better bed."
"05-15-26
I helped this guy get a one way to san antonio and got a 100 dollar tip from him. awesome sauce that's like my taco bell allowance for the whole month. I also got a commission from a good friend!!
So that's like 200 dollars!! I'm really dependent on restaurant food and junk food tbh. but i do not have a fridge soo....
But that is changing tomorrow hopefully"
Just two mature ladies. I don't have much else to explain.
