The guilt of existance

 To boil it down before I get into it. 

If you are a parent that openly tells and rants about how hard and expensive being a parent is in order to guilt your child. the guilt will follow, follow after you are long gone. thinking maybe mom maybe would have been happier if i never happened.

 

She's only like this cause she is so stressed, it's why I don't talk to you when you slam things. staying in my room for hours cause your footsteps are different. knowing if I step out I suddenly have not been doing anything all day. and that I need to hear everything that she has been doing to keep us housed.

 

hearing that more than I love you has permanently effected me. in senses of commitment, one mistake and suddenly I'm 7 and I know Someone is gonna yell at me for this. I don't think I'm enough for anyone. even taking time out of someones day to try and talk to them felt as if what if they are stressed and only going to tell me of their problems. making me a bother.

 

it seemed my value was of just the work two people. when really it was the work of hundreds if not thousands. the thousands that only wanted to help and root for your success. ones that only wanted the best for you. these people never turned you down, never made you feel valueless. though you may feel guilty for being gifted such incredible people. it is for the sake of your own growth that you spoil yourself with those loving people.

 

teachers I had not seen the faces of in years investing and encouraging my creativity. random people doing nice things. conversations with co workers. deep talks with those close to you. all the time and even money people have invested in you only for you not to see it?

 

It's scary I know. everything is seeming like you should just drop everything and not care. like we are just pebbles in space at the mercy of nature. we are humans and the mercy of each other so fucking treat one another like it.

 

I hope this helps you see the value in yourself. I love you, I just know you can do it. and make it out.