Health Update :3
 |
| new-old |
Down to 160!!!
So crazy to think last year I was 185-190. and now I'm getting so close to my weight goal sooner than I had expected, right now I am practicing something I had never noted.
old-new
My High sodium intake causing water retention. by either using fasting or extremely low sodium. in order to debloat. water retention is causing me to look puffy and also causes my weight to fluctuate alot, which has been a persistent issue and a hindrance. getting deeper into my caloric deficit just made me recognize that.
new-old
my protein goals are just a bit above normal in order to hold onto my lean mass, I don't mean to build alot of lean mass at the moment. this sodium experiment is going to be the main focus this month. I'm looking to only lose 6-3 pounds from water retention but it will reduce my bloat so that would be awesome sauce.
Goth Couture
She's like... totes cool
I drew this a while ago and decided to finally edit it cause it looks so freaking cool,this really looks like those old emblems from fashion brands of the time. like Juicy Couture,Von Dutch and Ed Hardy. Juicy uses old royal looking flares and Ed Hardy has that trad tattoo look which I really like.
I used a time accurate scene girl ref and it's somewhat refreshing and different compared to what "goth" looks like now. Like how flat her makeup looks, I don't think heavy highlight and contour was the thing at the time. Mostly just base foundation,brows, and Eye Shadow and Eye liner. this is insanely different compared to a more modern goth look which requires alot of layers I don't think I care to list.
I could also talk abt how that style is an effect of the serialization of alternative culture, this heavy and layered style of male gaze makeup has just kinda covered up the genuine and historic culture of scene, goth and emo.
soo uhhh yeah I do feel guilt for partaking in that. so my alt girls from this point on will genuinely be weird, violent and femgaze. c
My Pretty Scratch Canvas
This makes my masochistic heart screammm :33
I've been starting to really take interest in acrylic nails... especially sharp acrylic nails, the more it appears to be talons the more I want to be clawed by them. the red loving trails left behind, thinking of the joy taken out of leaving such a mark. etching "mine" into the skin I uhrrr really like the objectification and possessive qualities of that, I know it's strange yes.
I love how the boy looks as well, the definition, reddish and blushy, so warm and soft. a perfect scratch canvas I would say, Little wimpers from being toyed with. I'm um TOTALLY not jelly of him.... never.... My drawings have had a very red a passionate era truthfully. I love it, It's the only color I can think of seeing everything I've made recently. not in some choice I've made of lust but, a form of deep love and intimacy that is represented in my drawings.
A Dumb Vent Posttttt.....
If you are not aware already...
I've been struggling with talking to girls. this looks weirder and weirder the more I see it, Like I'm srsly a creep for it. It's a very vulnerable and weak moment that is just... a little to honest for me. My disparity is clear to everyone, there really is no hiding. Maybe that could have been an aspect of it. But the act of making it is a sign in itself.
I'm not looking to be some sad dope to fawn over, I'm just very confused. but I know the one thing I need, It's just a bad time for me truthfully.
Conchas!!! :33
Not the best thing to write during a fast...
if I we're to have a lowrider this would be the mural on the hood of my car. I fw pan dulces HEAVY. even on a diet... sadly, mexican pan dulces are the best to have with coffee. which is my fav part about them.
I used to complain a ton about conchas being dry but then having them and dunking them in coffee is a GAME changer. Being mexican means you loveeee coffee which I do of course and majority of my family does to. I have alot of memories of mornings spent to the scent of coffee and pan dulces.
I've had this idea for years when I was designing alot of lingerie. everything circular was a possible design. and of course eventually I came across Conchas. I had not thought of them for a while but I did recently so I redrew it.
It's sooo cute to me! I'm thinking on some more possible designs based on other Pan Dulces, or related Mexican snacks :3.
Why Turn My Trust to Something That Cannot Respect Me.
I did a foolish thing again and indulged, Talking to a sweet girl and setting time aside from her only to block me the day we were supposed to meet. not to mention having to push the plans by a whole day and then another 2 hours the morning of,all for nothing. I attempted to reach out to friends of mine that she knew as well only to be called weird for it. we were supposed to meet on Tuesday and then she wanted to push to Wednesday then she woke up mid afternoon only to ask 4 then push to 5.
my only choice was to respect her choices, I do tell her that I do not like when my plans are not respected. only to tell her reassuring that I was not mad at her. only after getting ready and making it halfway to her house I find that she had blocked my on Instagram. not a wave of anger or anything. but for all that I had done and what has been happening to me. I could only weep, that I realized. I'm not respected, not an ounce for how I'm treated compared to the respect I give all people, especially women more so.
I understand as to why I'm treated like this, I'm a smaller than average 5,6 165 male. a rather feminine man at that and emotional, as you can read. I'm just wrong all over, and I wish to be the way I am, it's all I know any anything different would just feel wrong. like the mask I already wear would only be thicker and I would lose myself at some point. All I know is everything that has gone wrong with talking to girls, why turn my head anymore. why try, I'm done. I've been done.
It's so hard to wonder if I'm going through some divine test. that this severe mistreatment has some sort of reason behind it. or that women are being needlessly cruel to me for no reason. I love women more than my heart would tell me, to think on it I feel my chest wince out of fear. it's what makes me wonder if this is a effort I must put in for something I want so badly.
My Art for pride month.
The persistent struggle of identify issues and being trans.
This is coming from someone that in the past has struggled with body dysphoria,and had questioned my gender identity. the most obvious marking being the mask, while being safer in your body. New more strict standards have been placed on your beauty, that you must be cuter, whiter, and doll faced.
so yes even with surgery and other things, nothing guarantees you will feel accepted in your own skin. the scars and current cuts reflect the past, present, and future of self harm and self worth issues. a past of misunderstanding, pretending and faking, lying about yourself to you. the present of not being at your body goal and plotting out what things to do now or later. while knowing yourself, you are only thinking of what you will make of yourself. and the future, like I said that even with getting all you need you still may not be safe in your skin.
Being trans is scary. it's not some sort of lightswitch choice in which one day you just reckon one day, you are actually a girl. even without outside influence. the internal struggle is still massive. a feeling of being excluded, not being confident in your body, dating problems, culture problems, everything that could make you not feel like you.
It's not fun so... I did not wanna make my pride piece be all rainbows and fun or just yaoi or yuri or everything in between. it's mostly to recognize those issues that trans people face outside of their demonization, health care issues, safety issues, and everything else politicians wish upon them for no other reasons as to be evil.
Peach Fuzz
There's a little demon in my brain that is making me addicted to fems with body hair
I love natural features so much, Yknow the ones everyone is chill with like stretch marks and cellulite. But the one I'm the most outspoken for it body hair :333. Like no matter with how "progressive" we've been some men are like... actually disgusted by it.
like for hygienic reasons... forgetting that they are coated in thicker and denser body hair... yeah I totally don't trust the woman to keep her self clean but I totally trust your "wash once let the water get my legs for me" method. I love the way it looks, so fuzzy and soft looking, like velvet.
I do not want something shaven smooth, slick, naked, artificial. I know the field that should be here, but here I stand to witness mans fault. I can already feel your hair bumps, so eager your skin is to be hairy again. it's what you need :3
Really? Now?
Guess who finally noticed the person they ignore has finally ignored them?
This would be the one I was worse off with. I had known her for a long time. someone I cared for alot. being her friend was the easiest thing I've done. so sweet, so funny, so personable. but then wanting to date her had been my biggest mistake. It had been almost a whole month after she said she "did not want to date anyone at the moment" then days later making notes of someone she was obviously dating. then again seeing her in person with another man. she avoided me, majorly
I know her. well I had known her apparently. cause she would be so happy to see me in person. I guess my mind version of her would have. I did not think much of him until I saw the note. and that had to act as my closure, maybe it was my fault for ignoring the signs. the "maybe" in my mind was never a maybe, It was always a no. but I was none the wiser. so reading a dirty note of hers was my closure, I really I wish I got that "No never, never in a million years".
And after all of that. she somehow notices after an entire month that I had restricted and stopped talking to her. "hey r we good?", I really did not want to talk to her. but forcing me to rethink all of last month. It just seemed like she did not fucking understand what that did to me. I'm entirely different, my shed skin had only dried in the dust then is the time you decide to face me again.
I had explained. "Okay mayhaps it could have been some massive miscomunication when you said you did not want to date and then posted notes about you obviously being out with someone. I would not know considering I've already deleted our dm's" Just as concise as I could get unless it would be this I would have sent her. Just what my feelings were. that maybe I was wrong in being so dramatic, that she really did mean otherwise and I was the asshole. maybe I still am, considering she has only read it. with all of last month I would have felt vindicated being far more confrontational with her.
but I did not. perhaps she has already disregarded me. nice or not it would have been my fate. I'm just wanting to get my answer as to why she just did not be upfront with me. god fuck, I'm just going through the motions again. I really had gotten over this. I was over writing paragraphs, I was over listening to Sign Crushes Motorist on my way home and crying. fucking pages and pages of processing this shit and I was apparently so important as to talk to me. the same girl I would wait by the phone for, wait for perhaps more than half the day. the one that never had the time to message me first, suddenly I matter again.
And there it is. some soppy explanation about the guy she was seeing while she was talking to me. obviously Mr.tall walmart man I would assume. So I did just say it directly. why lie to me, friends don't lie. if you knew you were so deadset on walmart man. I would have supported you as a friend, not someone you lied to. friends don't fucking lie. so I'm not anybetter than the me that typed before. I went in and cherished my vindication. I'm so fucking done with tolerating shitty people. Who the fuck am I to just bend over and let her come back into my life and then obsess over someone else and have me caught in it.
she's got real problems. problems that have made her attachment issues. She recognizes them. which is a step, but to include a friend into it. It's just over. I've told her "a simple tolerance, I don't hate you" and leaving it as that and leaving her unblocked.
Thank You Latinas. For Being Insane, Sexy, and Insanley Sexy.
God Bless
Would you Like to take a wild guess being a brown person in texas... it's quite the coincidence that I am Mexican. I don't speak much of it since it does not really influence my work but after this piece. I really want to now.
I think about this joint I used to work at called Rosa's Cafe. and if you look at their dining rooms and looking at their marketing material. You notice how colorful Mexican art is. I love it. especially more vintage print ads. which the rosa's I worked at had alot of print ads on the wall.
The pottery and patterns and subject matters. I really like it. so maybe It's time for me to be loud about my ethnicity and fuck yeah I'm still drawing bewbs. it will just look like a Tecate ad or a Sol beer ad. c
You Are My Drug: I Need To Work On My Addiction.
Things have gotten clearer within these last months,but It's still a feeling of being lost. a fear I need to face, That as I exist, No woman wishes to have me as anything more than a friend.
Not that this will be forever, it will only feel like forever. I know it will be a very patient and special girl to put up with me. I still worry if I am content with my lack of growth as to preserve my idea of a stable man.
I know I do not deserve it. No matter what I may do, it is limited to me as a person. and as I have Adhd and mild autism. there are things I know I will never fix. for all the books I read I will never truly face her beautiful eyes without a feeling of fear and guilt.
It's just what is wrong with me. shall I rejoice in my flaws, yes. Though romance is my language,I must be reminded of your presence. I think of every aspect of you, I've only known you from a distance. I've only known you from films and movies. all that is idolized versions of you. I think of what I'm supposed to be as well. not anything that I match for you, I was never ready to be what you really want. and every attempt to speak to you can only be simmered down to every time I stuttered and could not face you and speak to you.
I can only wish to be what you want. you are every ounce of what I want, An addiction I face every time I see a curve that shares your shadow. the feeling of my pillows I could only imagine being something as warm as you. I'm afraid one day I may have a hatred for you, And so I must stop. before the way I think of you changes into something I could never undo.
I'm doing all I can. I've embarrassed myself in front of so many girls. rejections and a constant loop of stagnated talking stages. this will only lead me to hating something that has rejected all of my efforts. I just wish being obedient, aware, and empathetic was enough, or even being rewarded. I'm done, seriously. for now or until a girl forces me to date her. I'm done with asking girls out.
Bewbies Bewbies!!!
I Am Just A Boy...
A boy with issues so yeah I'm nursing on those... Am sorry to be so honest but what else would make me love such mature built old willow of a woman. something purely natural and exists as something beautiful due to it's age.
I often intend to age my characters. to be fair these are qualities women have naturally. smile lines, so goddam cute I love smile lines so much. crows feet around the eyes and lines below the eyes. every wrinkle and vein I love. for it is inevitable beautiful and natural for a woman to age. those signs being a sign of confidence and being content with themselves. and I can't help but be attracted to such confidence.
Laying In Passion
Hehe~ I love bewbies
I love this red. for me it represents such a passion and intimacy that lives in my heart for women. especially chubby women something so divine and perfect about how women store fat. It's all natural to me.
Amazonian I would say. but something more rotund. for the weight shows the sign of a strong well eating woman. someone I can cook for and work for. She's so hot laying like this. A blushing plain face, perhaps trying to hide an embarrassed face. a set of beautiful weighty breasts. with softness and femininity such as her love handles. something that makes her so warm.
holding or being held she radiates such a lively heat. similar to a moth I am simply drawn to it for no other reason other than that it is my nature to.
Another Girl "Processing Stuff"
Hehe The Fear is back
I just cannot blame myself for this. or maybe I can since I always misread social ques and just don't know what I'm doing.
Leave it to interactions with women to humble me into remembering my inept qualities. I told her what I wanted and how I view relationships and she liked it.
Agreed that I was far more mature than other men my age, something I'm very insecure about. considering most women my age don't date guys my age since we're thought of as immature. which it's true for most. she saw me as better than that. for someone to finally recognize my qualities. of course I'm attached to her. it's more than most do before I'm discarded.
It's too much I'm doing too much. I better than to be entertaining someone that in their own word keeps returning to her abusive Ex for trauma does not stop her I don't think I could either. I knew my senseless attachment would lead me into something like this. So I better stop. stop before anything else comes from it.
I can feel it. I soiled it. I ruined it. just another boy that tried. I just wished I was never the boy that pushed in the first place. so needy as to spoil a friendship and turn it into just another attempt and another rejection. I hate it. It's all my fucking fault. I did it again. There's so many girls that are so special to me that I think of every other hour of the day that I wish to spend the rest of my life with.
but I never hope to be another try and another rejection. for that's all I be, resigned to talking to myself in her DMs. the idealized version of our relationship she becomes again standoffish twords any sign of advance. and there it lies that it's become another attempt to flee and I've become the hunter again. Not the lover, nor even the friend. In the same way a girl cannot trust advances I can no longer trust "just processing stuff" in good spirits.
why must we use these tactics. I don't want to do this. does she actually intend for me to continue in some sense or would this be something I'm blocked for. the only thing I can do is listen and respect. I'm not for dating. two sides of lying truths and expectations. not a word of those expectations I have ever heard.
Can I trust her in good faith? for I did the same for one I thought I could trust. I know her to be trustful. again... thought the same for the one before her. The inherit distrust made in the modern dating scene has left me either forced to adapt to such manipulation or be the victim of it.
I can't. I'm done. Simply I will let my dating app pick someone willing to put up with me and go through such charade again. but for the women close to me, I shall not violate such a connection I have with them. In the same way a bond is grown with gentle animals sudden movements may have them in the brush for me to never pet again. I am not for this, the mold of a dating man is one I hope to not see myself in.
then again I can assign my failure to my looks. short, femme with long hair. in where I reside such a small town would never accept me. I do not accept myself at anything less than me. I have changed enough to my own limit. so there it is as it lays. I will remain single. And it's the time I have left here that I will be forced to be comfortable with that. time spent on anything else will just worsen the pain of inevitable solitude.
I want your nectar, The flower of life.
What makes you closest to god. draws me so close.
*Click To View*
Women's ability to create life makes them closest to god. every perfection of their biology or those who wish to identify as such a loving gender.
I know coming from such a sleazy artist that I see women as something so divine but... I do. my works act as murals of my love for women. a shrine nonetheless. do I find myself worthy of penetrating such a miracle of biology? only if She were to allow it.
Your body knows the best places to be soft. her soft ass spread, so beautiful. a soft pinch to expose her immaculate pussy. oh so shy for her to have seen it only as an extension of her flesh, I see it as what I have dedicated my art twords.
fuck I'm so horny is making me damn poetic.
Bug Blog 06-06-26
He's Rotting You Know...
I had an incident happen with a close friend. to where She Lied to me to where I did not want to speak to her anymore.
Lying about how she was not in the mood for dating anybody but had been talking to others as she told me that. it was not anything I would do to a friend so i called it at that. I do not speak to her. at this point I would only accept an apology. and only that.
Then I realized. all that I worked for. everything I changed. was for nothing. So I really Don't care anymore. it was somewhat liberating truthfully. I'm on a diet right now. I cut my hair. and I'm no longer comfortable with the man I was.
with what was left of me. I realized this just is not me. I really need to become a better person myself. before I let some girl mistreat me again. maybe it's flaws everyone sees. I'm done with fear. done with being comfortable with my horrid traits. I need to change.
back to being what I really want to be. I really deviated so far to perform for girls. not that they are wrong for not enjoying the fake me. it was wrong for me to perform in the first place.
I look like shit and I feel it. So why look any better than I feel. My ED kicked in HARD. I don't like lifting anymore. I'm done with this idea that I'm gonna be a "strong man" considering I'm never gonna be the man.
I'm so happy to be living on my own. It's made my hygiene SO much better. I shower almost everyday. IDC hairdressers YOU try having thin course hair that looks oily by the end of the day. and having my small fridge with cute food and skinny girl snacks. I feel incredible.
I am not normal and that's okay. I've spent to much time being helpless trying to conform to norms i will never match. Not that I'm content with being what I am it's that I'll never be the beef head emo faggot the foids want. I only intend to be better than them. both the narcissist foids and metrosexual male to male Transexuals. It really feels I've wasted my year being a helpless little bitch. some hopeless romantic only basing his worth on fucking women. I'm done.
It's really time for me to actually have a fucking backbone. I'm spending some time to read philosophy. Soren Kierkegaard specifically. His work has alot to do with the individual man, and how he may find his purpose. I'm just starting on his work so I have only a basic idea of his work. I know I'm not special for this sort of rebirth. so it's whatever. my fear of being the same has taken so much from me.
I'm also done with sharing my new composition book. only excerpts of interesting drawing but due to me entries being far too personal and that I will also use the book to study and write notes of Soren. So like... Yeah it's not just drawings anymore so we are packing that up
TLDR; A bitch lied, I was a bitch about it. I'm done with being a bitch :3. c.
Being a Man,And Coping with Your Increasing Obscurity
Preface: This is not intended to be misandrist. Though I may use some degrading comments against men. I will not be here to only list bad things about men. not to bow to an Foid. if you want to see a man hating man go watch Curtis Connor or other grainful breadtubers. and this will also only be relating to dating. there are many aspects of life that men are very important and needed in.
I'm empathetic enough to understand women's issues with men. I am not here to justify those actions. nor am I here to help you process those issues or use comments to air your hatred for men. Overall this video is not intended for women.
Masculinity is something a lot of us are tired of. those who suffer from the change it brings to those who fail to live to those expectations. It's a constant need and feeling of confidence. but never has it felt so weak, and insecure. Men are constantly failing to meet the bar of decency.
Maybe the feminist won. or maybe the girls will come crawling back after their POS high tier chad leaves them and you finally ascend to HTN 9.5. This is the mindset that is absolutely killing your growth as a person. thinking you are one quality away from acceptance will leave you forever chasing bodies and aesthetics you never needed. neglecting everything else.
Being zeroed in on these things makes you to have some sort of entitlement that is causing your predisposed hatred for women. spending months on something makes you really feel like you deserve something. but we as humans don't deserve each other due to boxes we check. I know there are people that are willing to abuse your efforts but you must only face it as to what it is.
Face value empathy can only get you so far thus comes the nice guy complex. the playbook of many incels. being just better than worse, more time into a weak effort only makes one worse off. That's when true colors show. the anger and frustration in a grand showing of your true horrid character. somewhat of a projection considering I had done the same song and dance this month. no matter how highly i see myself I can only be defined by that low moment.
It's these deeper rooted issues that I really need to work on. not that I "totally understand the implications of being feminine as a punchline is inherently rooted in misogyny". the simple puddle deep shlock I only spew to raise my liberal social credits.
I had ignored that I harbor the emotional dependency of my mother. putting pressure on my partner to know small acts may cause me to close off or become irrational and angry cause I am sensitive.
due to women's growing independence. we are not in the same higher ground position the generations before us had. Financially and status wise there's not much of anything we can offer that women don't have access to. what does that leave us to. still trying to tie meaning to these past status symbols of masculinity is all we have left.
alike the personalities of the manosphere They can only hold their masculine qualities like trophies to impress other men. ego runs as deep as their need for acceptance. as if these things make them any better than you. lets leave that since manophere is a dead horse subject.
it is still up to you to be a better man. women still like men, they would not objectify us if they did not.(gay men more than anything but that is a different vibeo) it's what we changed or more accurately stagnated into. that makes it an issue. someone that does not really understand patience or even basic discipline.
Basically be a better man. and if you think you already have. spend a month really thinking on it. you'll always improve. women aren't impressed by feminist shlock maybe having basic media literacy and emotional maturity will
Mini Pool Skinny Dipping!
I've never been skinny dipping. it sounds really fun tbh
I'd have to do it alone tbh... especially if that water is cold cause I am certainly NOT a shower... Nor a grower but that's neither here or there...
ANYWAYS!!!! GOD DAMN. I love her so much!!! such an immaculate thick and mature body. with a pretty fuzzy mound upfront. bulging out from her soft midsection and between her voluptuous thighs. as well as her weighty drooping breasts. so goddamn beautiful. all of her! incredible!!
I came across the source image and with it of course being summer now. I just have to! I really plan on doing more while the weather permits it. Like around late evening or early morning it's just really nice to be outside. I love it and I need to do more things outside. :3 maybe perhaps skinny dipping in my backyard :333. I'll record it for you sweeties of course. c
Would You Like To Be My Purse Doggy?
"yew look, uh. totes hawt!"
This would be my transition goal if I were to try transitioning again... hypothetically of course... hehe~ but currently I'd love for a girl like this to use me.
I know I don't Have the money for her but... just to take her to the mall for an afternoon perhaps?.. yeah prolly nawt... I know a girl that kinda dresses like this and she is just so fucking hawt.
I think I mostly remember my older sisters' friends dressing like this when I was younger. I was never much a fan of girls my age growing up... Idk why. mega unrealistic in retrospect but, my crushes were all 3-5 years older than me. It's still true now and I don't know why. women treat men their age as "too young" so yeah. I mean it makes sense and to how immature guys can be now.
Good Girl. The Best Girl.
Obedience is always rewarded. and if not always, that's not a true owner
To be honest. being someone that's into this dynamic. this is abt how extreme I get. I know pup play and maledom can get very extreme but I like to make things more "Natural" by not implementing those toys or harnesses into it.
It just becomes very extreme from there and the connection from owner and pet becomes rather distant from there. in my opinion. but that's just me being vanilla all the time. I just really prefer passion over any toys or spanking paddles. I just like it simple.
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