Another Girl "Processing Stuff"

Hehe The Fear is back 

I just cannot blame myself for this. or maybe I can since I always misread social ques and just don't know what I'm doing. 

Leave it to interactions with women to humble me into remembering my inept qualities. I told her what I wanted and how I view relationships and she liked it.

 

Agreed that I was far more mature than other men my age, something I'm very insecure about. considering most women my age don't date guys my age since we're thought of as immature. which it's true for most. she saw me as better than that. for someone to finally recognize my qualities. of course I'm attached to her. it's more than most do before I'm discarded. 

 

It's too much I'm doing too much. I better than to be entertaining someone that in their own word keeps returning to her abusive Ex for trauma does not stop her I don't think I could either. I knew my senseless attachment would lead me into something like this. So I better stop. stop before anything else comes from it. 

 

I can feel it. I soiled it. I ruined it. just another boy that tried. I just wished I was never the boy that pushed in the first place. so needy as to spoil a friendship and turn it into just another attempt and another rejection. I hate it. It's all my fucking fault. I did it again. There's so many girls that are so special to me that I think of every other hour of the day that I wish to spend the rest of my life with.

 

but I never hope to be another try and another rejection. for that's all I be, resigned to talking to myself in her DMs. the idealized version of our relationship she becomes again standoffish twords any sign of advance. and there it lies that it's become another attempt to flee and I've become the hunter again. Not the lover, nor even the friend. In the same way a girl cannot trust advances I can no longer trust "just processing stuff" in good spirits.

 

why must we use these tactics. I don't want to do this. does she actually intend for me to continue in some sense or would this be something I'm blocked for. the only thing I can do is listen and respect. I'm not for dating. two sides of lying truths and expectations. not a word of those expectations I have ever heard. 

 

Can I trust her in good faith? for I did the same for one I thought I could trust. I know her to be trustful. again... thought the same for the one before her. The inherit distrust made in the modern dating scene has left me either forced to adapt to such manipulation or be the victim of it.

 

I can't. I'm done. Simply I will let my dating app pick someone willing to put up with me and go through such charade again. but for the women close to me, I shall not violate such a connection I have with them. In the same way a bond is grown with gentle animals sudden movements may have them in the brush for me to never pet again. I am not for this, the mold of a dating man is one I hope to not see myself in. 

 

then again I can assign my failure to my looks. short, femme with long hair. in where I reside such a small town would never accept me. I do not accept myself at anything less than me. I have changed enough to my own limit. so there it is as it lays. I will remain single. And it's the time I have left here that I will be forced to be comfortable with that. time spent on anything else will just worsen the pain of inevitable solitude.