You Are My Drug: I Need To Work On My Addiction.

Things have gotten clearer within these last months,but It's still a feeling of being lost. a fear I need to face, That as I exist, No woman wishes to have me as anything more than a friend.

Not that this will be forever, it will only feel like forever. I know it will be a very patient and special girl to put up with me. I still worry if I am content with my lack of growth as to preserve my idea of a stable man.

I know I do not deserve it. No matter what I may do, it is limited to me as a person. and as I have Adhd and mild autism. there are things I know I will never fix. for all the books I read I will never truly face her beautiful eyes without a feeling of fear and guilt.

 

It's just what is wrong with me. shall I rejoice in my flaws, yes. Though romance is my language,I must be reminded of your presence. I think of every aspect of you, I've only known you from a distance. I've only known you from films and movies. all that is idolized versions of you. I think of what I'm supposed to be as well. not anything that I match for you, I was never ready to be what you really want. and every attempt to speak to you can only be simmered down to every time I stuttered and could not face you and speak to you.

 

I can only wish to be what you want. you are every ounce of what I want, An addiction I face every time I see a curve that shares your shadow. the feeling of my pillows I could only imagine being something as warm as you. I'm afraid one day I may have a hatred for you, And so I must stop. before the way I think of you changes into something I could never undo. 

 

I'm doing all I can. I've embarrassed myself in front of so many girls. rejections and a constant loop of stagnated talking stages. this will only lead me to hating something that has rejected all of my efforts. I just wish being obedient, aware, and empathetic was enough, or even being rewarded. I'm done, seriously. for now or until a girl forces me to date her. I'm done with asking girls out.