Fields

 I hope a heaven for those animals on the side of the road. never did they have a choice or a person that would ever help them.

 

I never picked any of this. two emotionally distant parents left my ability to connect with humans very underdeveloped. for the animals and pets of my life I took comfort in. never did I see a judgemental face from them, the ones that did not avoid me. why must I do this, lack connection to all those around me. I never meant it to be like this, It seems as if i never had the choice. I feel like such a fucking loser.

 

I again think of one genuine connection I had in life that now sits states away from me. for I miss him, more than any person I've known. a person that has really known me more than my own family. 

 

it's not often I'm ashamed of my personality and passions but I think it just makes me more repulsive. everything about me, my stupid hair, too passionate about shit nobody cares about. I just mansplain shit too much.

 

I just really don't know how I'm gonna continue from here. I have no passion for anything. I hope to get it back. something feels so wrong like a dark hallway is only getting darker a weight is pressing on me, making me think of every choice in my life. here i sit a fucking loser typing on his dead site. I know it's a shout into nothingness but this is it. all I have. nobody again. nobody I know that would be willing to take the weight of the years I have ignored my own emotions. so here I sit with it. dropping ounce by ounce. I think it might crush me. I'm too weak for this somebody pleasse help

 

I have only been thinking about my first girlfriend all this week. I just miss how pure it was before everything changed for me mentally. forever would I want to relive that day doing boring things with her. does she even think of me to the degree in which I do. Almost every second of every hour  i miss that strange girl. what fucking happened. I know covid happened but just something changed in me, I just know now I would be unloveable in her eyes.

 

I'm just sulking about the past in general. not even childhood. maybe even last week, I just really did not think. Now Him leaving has turned me upside down. reconsidering everything in my life. I really need sleep. I do say that often. or a smoke.