Holy fuck it's getting worse. fuck fuck fuckt

 I feel beyond pathetic 

the cruelty of worlds is beyond my sensitivity of soul. I really feel as if I lost my tether something only leaving me half sunken into the 9th final level of isolation. realizing my far more pathetic life in retrospect. with the dash of color he temporary put into my life the bleakness is clear. the joy and love I had felt had been only idling my entire life. peaking at one point.

 

It's gone. never has the need for physical attention gripped at my heart any rougher. from neither mother nor father had given me attention like this. a mother too occupied with my sisters and a full time job. I could never blame, a father too busy with another family. 

 

Not time that could be spared to me. nothing I could control. just exiting as a void of emotions. lack of it. never was I told to express them. and never have I been more aware of my humanity it's crushing my fingers like a vise. pushing at the back of my eyes running with tears held back since middle school. tears that ran in front of confused faces, judging faces. 

 

it was again that my father attempted to contact me again. never do I hate but to not be contacted after I turned 18 churned contempt in me like stew it only became stronger with time. his first son, left at 5 to just bring to events never did i feel a connection,only obligation. it feels as if the same could apply to him. only after 5 years did he decide to ask my sister for my number. 

 

it's these shallow connections in my life which just made me think my friend was different. beyond empty words found their way to my heart. though it was only lust I had thought it was other than that. 

 

it's getting worse. though i think its over it seems like of a rest it was simply the wind up for another breakdown. I know I will never be the same from this point on but it will be knowing this new me is which i fear the most.

I really need like professional help or something.