Fucked up again, again and again.

It's all undone. It's not her fault. Just the wrong time I guess. I never really is the right time for me.

 

still friends and I just went ahead and declined our planned meetup cause of afflicting plans. It's all my fault. I really put to much into this. It's not her fault. into the depths of my own perfect fantasy but something just does not work out. 

 

All me. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I could face her again. I'm such a fucking loser. Today she had fallen asleep and did not tell me. I had only imagined the worse and was breaking down. I told her what had happened. after that she had just reminded me we are still only friends. she had only entertained it yet it was the future in my eyes. so fucking foolish. I just don't think we will be the same after this. that's my biggest fear. I had just completely embarrassed myself, stupid drawings and blog posts. all done on my own. can we just go back to being friends after she's seen the drawings about her and the writings. I don't think it could be the same. 

 

Not to me at least, I just feel so pathetic. and it's the only feeling I have talking to her now. like just out of pity. By my own doing, fucking all of it. I don't know if I wanna do this dating thing anymore at all. if it's gonna hurt this much to get very indirectly happenstance rejected. 

 

I'm too soft. and I've known that. I'm in a mans realm.