Fucked Up Always And Forever.

 I feel like shit. 

It's Been the feeling in my hands. clamping at my stomach, since it was said.

 

Judgement, fear, worry. It's has not left. I only wish it could. I only treat it as a guest at this point. I feel I wear this band of guilt and shame, a band everyone sees. so strong I can't form my face to show any other emotion.

 

I do it to myself. Always flying to close to the fucking sun. like If it was something that could fix me overnight. what a fool. It's quite the abusive relationship I have with my past self.

 

Future me is always right, past me only thinks in terms of cute little love notes. There was still that goth girl that works across from me and does not even bother to glance at me. even though I am always the first to look. It feels pathetic. I don't even want to look that way just to again be the first to look.

 

This whole month has been fucking terrible. I feel so used and pathetic.

 

I immensely hate all my thoughts of sexuality. knowing it was what got me in trouble.

 

I hate my heart. knowing it was what got me in trouble.

    

I Think you can imagine what this has done to the image of myself. The stress sweat reeks like it will travel for miles. I only see the sheen of the oil on my face. and the thick strands of oily hair. And thinking of the mind that body shares it feels horrid. lewd disgusting thoughts leading me into traps and toil. romantic thoughts again leading me to a sense of hope. far to quick for me to notice yet again it's a foolish chore.

 

I don't have the energy to do anything other than just typing. I don't want to eat. it feels as if everything I eat sits just at the base of my throat. primed to just vomit the nothing I had eaten. Just to sit with my thoughts, I hope I can do something cause I don't know how much longer I can sit with myself.

 

Just listening to depressing music cause anything else feels foolish like Allen Poe at a wiggles concert. Hopefully it will snap the beauty of the world back into me. then again hearing beauty only makes me think of her. and then another loop and then its bad again.

 

I can only hope I'm just in some deep mood swing and give it a week or two and this will just be another little episode. but then it will just mean I'm at the peak of the swingset. and only due to come back again. So I guess I will see this again.