Ignored. I don't know how many chances I'm gonna give myself.

 Make it 6 rejections this year. 

It would mark the 4th day she had ignored me. I had just let in one last pathetic attempt.

 

maybe this was some big misunderstanding. she had just completely missed my messages while she has been online several times. maybe, I just wish she would tell me to fuck off or something. I'd feel more important. meaningful enough to tell off. Makes me feel less for just being ignored.

 

Just tossed aside. I'm sure she did not feel a thing. again, I was just me. the way I am. Ignored again. I'm always just ignored. does it seem I would not be able to handle it? or take it the right way or something? Would not matter either way cause they are right. I can't handle it.

 

Look at me. 2 in the same month and I'm a useless messy sad mess. typing away on my stupid smut site. I just want to do what I'm comfortable with, I don't want to pick up women out in public. I think that sounds really trashy. but none of the women I'm already friends with don't want anything to do with dating.

 

I've said it before. but I don't know if I want to date at all anymore. Just stop fucking trying at this point. am I really gonna give up right before the one gives me a change or will I finally find peace and not determine my entire value in having a person patient enough to put up with me.

 

I just deleted Hinge I'm fucking done with all of it. clearly I'm not enough. not fucking close. why try, girls would like me better if I did this or that but will I like me. Or will I find comfort knowing they only put up with me cause maybe I got prettier, or stronger, or got a shit ton of money.

 

I'm at my lowest point and I show it. and nobody likes it. so whats the fucking point. Live my life with someone that can't handle my worst. I don't have enough for girls to just ignore. I'm just a walking blob of flaws apparently. does not fucking matter anyways.

 

I'll be back at it at some point. I know, I'm just to love starved to keep this up. like I don't fight so hard to get it. the grapes are obviously sour. not like being held right now could make me cry in an instant. I put it all out. just hoping someday something will catch it. but I'm just to empty at this point I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I'm scared.