Will Anything Ever Love Me?

 *I know this will Not be a nice read. this is just gonna be me being pathetic. I don't have meds or a therapist so this will be personal and dark* 

so a guy that I had only been seeing for a year just ended things with me for all that time I never heard I love you. cause he did not want to see it as a relationship. but deep in me I saw it as my heart did. 

 

fucking stupid heart. I knew he never put anything into it. I thought about him at all times. a future, a past and a present. but for that whole time I would imagine he did not feel the same way. only a FWB thing. I should have left it at that. I should have not been this invested.

 

so I would imagine it was pretty easy just to say "thank you for sticking around as long as you did" and cut me off from that point just cause we had a bit of a fight about me not being "prepped" as often as he wanted. even if it was nothing i thought it'd matter more than just sex. stupid stupid stupid why. for fucks sake my need for attention always leads me like a rabbit to a pit of snakes.

 

He in my whole life was really the only person to really care for me physically. this is something I could never forget or scrub from my mind. it will forever be a filthy disgusting scar. some of my most intimate and loving moments with another human had only been with a sick old fucking PERVERT FOR FUCKS SAKE. LEAVING FUCKING MARKS AND JUST ENDING IT???!! 

 

I cried the first time we really linked. I was laying on him in my car. arms wrapped around me. and genuinely felt safe and cared for. like nothing could ever hurt me like I'd forever be there. my face became hot from the rush of feelings and just sobbed there into his shirt. I had never thought about how emotionally neglected I was until then. something as small as snuggling in the back of the car brought me to the peak of vulnerability that could only be washed away with tears

 

so then it was 4 other times we met and each time I cried. he still often tried sexual advances which I gave into. I did not care for it. Such temporary joy. forgettable things to remember that rush could be equal to winning a card game. it was the connection I had that followed, tethered like chains. I don't ever think he had a connection with me. He made it that way to. even telling me not to say "I love you" but it's all i ever heard tethered like an anchor my thoughts swirled around him being the one person to ever give me physical attention and love. and the only person to do so.

 

to be so gentle with me. so naive i was. the only relationship I had since was back in high school. a boy who used me in the same ways, his lewd ways were plain as day to me. and before that was this very lovely girl. a girl i don't think i will ever see again in my life. a girl that floods my thoughts as my ex drains from my brain. leaving a scum and detritus of his "loving embrace". 

 

I only turned to him cause it was all i had. No other person would entertain an even faked attempt at understanding me. if there was anyone at all. I'm on dating apps and nothing. I'm just an anti social fucking freak. I'm just so socially inept and I just feel so isolated. like I will never find the soul to tether to. just their holding the chains of my heart like entrails. I don't hunt or do sports, or any manly things.

 

I just might be done with trying to date men but women haven't even let me get my foot into the door. I just can't really blame them. I'm not much of anything a woman would want. I just. don't know how to end this. I'm just at a very isolated point in my life.

 

a very isolated and vulnerable point in my life healing scars from something that has forever changed me. I thought my life was empty before but now i see it darker. and darker and darker. being used has just made me very emotionally reclusive. I don't want to talk to anybody.