I fucked up again. once time in a long time.

 

 I really Tried To Talk to a girl again 

I really don't know If I wanna try dating people again. She technically was not a co worker but someone I work close with.

 

I had that feeling again. that I was just bothering her. I felt like a fucking creep, like I always do. All I want to do is respect girl's boundaries just talk to girls that want to talk to me. and there's been zero that would want to do that. it just seems that they don't care. why don't they care about me.

 

I had a really bad break down driving home. and fighting one right now. she works right across from me and I feel like such a creepy grease ball wanting to look over and witness her beauty. It's been 10 years since I've had a relationship. I don't think I've had a girl talk to me how she did since. I did not feel like I had to pressure her or use her politeness against her or anything. I don't want to do all that shit. 

 

But it's not working and I just don't know it's fucking destroying my confidence. I had been building it for years at this point and I just feel it had been all thrown out. I feel like a weak pathetic loser. am I just not strong enough or brave not handsome enough or something. why else must I be treated like this. can't they just pretend to enjoy how fucking awkward and off putting I am.

      

It feels so goddamn humiliating to just put my feelings out only to just know deep down that It's gonna end how it always ends. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't Dress well and be polite only to get girls but I really do put the effort into doing the right things. I'm just close to fucking giving up. 

 

I'm just too emotional. I'm a fucking mess, sobbing to myself and writing a weekly pity essays. What woman would want to put up with consoling their boyfriend. crying over roadkill and bunnies. 

 

I'm scared, and I don't know where to go from here.