God Never Taught Me To Love Myself So I Did.

This one Is gonna be a bit more serious

being from the south and of a Mexican background religion has always been in my life. from small things like how we talk to others to how death and morality is viewed. but the idea of sin and the views of god are something that is very cemented into a person that grows up with these ideas in their life

 

Even with light critical thought from when i was younger I thought the idea of sin was flawed. but critical thinking does not change the views of those around you so things like sloth and lust were very much scrutinized. this tracks with our current American culture 

These very natural urges and often times survival instincts are  evil and sinful and the remedy would be seeing the fires and punishment for all eternity,

 

I had always been resistant to religion since I was young. and soon resentful when I had later found out in my life that I was gay. also coming up poor the temptation for sins like envy and greed are unavoidable. I just never felt that I was sin free. nothing more than a sinner in gods eyes. Homosexuality is something I could never cleanse myself of. judgement from others will follow with me. it will be forever a disease on my life. 

 

but this also brings the idea that all humans are born in sin and valueless until being saved by the lord and understanding the word of god. 

The basis of Christianity being guilt and judgement makes me feel horrid. even not being devoted religion was made as morality in my mind for years seeing it all around it follows me and always holds that "what if" power in my mind. I know In my mind I will never reach salvation. such helplessness just is so draining. 

 it was further into my life that I had saw some of Trevor Polemans work with his video series belief it or not I finally understood how flawed Christianity really is and how self value is effected by religion. and it's where it finally clicked with me.

 

I really do deserve to life this one life as I please. never have I heard that I should put my own mental and physical health above this flawed god. And I am the one to give my own life value and purpose. I am deserving of things. not born in sin but born as a human.

NEW VIDEO

 Watch Me Draw and Talk about my life (boring) 

 Using flowblade and I'm finally more comfortable with it  

Flowblade is an opensource linux based editor. and after running though all the options I found flowblade to be the best.

 

I had a lot of issues I'm teaching myself to resolve at the moment. the learning curve has been pretty steep. even though I started about half a year ago I'm still pretty new to all the functions and how to make it more stable

 

compare to only needing a couple of weeks for davinci flowblade certainly throws you pretty far into the deep

 

 More in the future? 

 I would say yeah. I would really need to think of more interesting ideas. something close to the composition sketchbook. cause that brought tons of new fans to me. but I'm just kinda blanking on things to do. I'll have time to think about that tho. and possibly some suggestions? 

Bug Blog 09-30-25

 Wait we are back?

This month really has been pretty great. I am writing this while at work which is something I could never dream of while at rosa's. I deal with about 10-15 people a day if you include phone calls. which is a huge change from line cook. It's really crazy to think I'm doing this for more pay. but I'm starting to understand where a lot of my spending came from.

 Food spending!! 

I mean I was not really thinking about how much meals I did not have to worry about just from stealing. but for better means I have far more control of my diet and less possibility for eating too much restaurant food. I'm gonna have some settling issues with what I would actually want to snack on and eat often.

 Current work stuff and my new gaming addictions. 

It does not really feel like it but I has been a whole month at my new job and right now I have a pretty new schedule. I work nights more often than mornings and its really nice.

nights are alot slower than mornings and you don't have to plan or worry about having enough cars for the whole day. I'm starting to talk to the girl next to me at the AVIS car rental booth. I'm not speaking in terms of relation ship but in the terms that I look approachable. 

I do a ton more gaming at work now. since I can't really draw smut within the view of customers. plus my new laptop. it makes more sense to just game to pass the time. and one I've been on the most has been counterstrike condition zero. 

i find the game tactics more engaging than the sorta endless game loop like call of duty. and it's perfectly formed for that type of game play, I love the old school look it has and runs extremely well on my system.  

 Composition Sketchbook again? 

I did not wanna be limited to drawing on paper scraps so I needed a sketchbook. But all my other ones are packed with smut so... I need a new one. I had just decided to buy a composition notebook cause I know I'd only be using pens in it. 

I mean I still do draw on paper scraps but I've been drawing a ton in this sketchbook. more than half of my recent posts have been from this book. I reckon it would not take me much time to finish this book. since all my time is pretty much divided between doodling and playing counter strike.  

It's made me regress back to ballpoint pens and I love it. I forget how integral the ink style was to my art. its a sort of sketchy doodle like texture to my drawings it makes everything fit into my aesthetic.      

 I CUT MY HAIR!!!!  

i've had the same hair for like... ever and randomly one night I just thought to er cut my hair. I really don't know what came over me. I knew I needed my dead ends cut but I just thought to actually pick a style.

 My hair was actually becoming pretty impractical and getting caught in stuff so that's when I really knew I needed a hair cut. I picked a wolf cut cause I wanted something pretty shaggy and layered. 

I was super super scared to do it and I was fufin shaking thought I cooked myself but after a classic move of shaking my hair all about it came out really good!! It was really weird to not feel my full length of hair there.

It came out super cute thooo!! I love it this is like my 1st proper styling of my hair since I started growing my hair. 

 

 Overall 

I've been settling in mostly but this has been a pretty good month. I've had alot of time for drawing and video games and my personal fashion. I'm super happy to finally be settling into my new less stressful less tiring job.