I did a foolish thing again and indulged, Talking to a sweet girl and setting time aside from her only to block me the day we were supposed to meet. not to mention having to push the plans by a whole day and then another 2 hours the morning of,all for nothing. I attempted to reach out to friends of mine that she knew as well only to be called weird for it. we were supposed to meet on Tuesday and then she wanted to push to Wednesday then she woke up mid afternoon only to ask 4 then push to 5.
my only choice was to respect her choices, I do tell her that I do not like when my plans are not respected. only to tell her reassuring that I was not mad at her. only after getting ready and making it halfway to her house I find that she had blocked my on Instagram. not a wave of anger or anything. but for all that I had done and what has been happening to me. I could only weep, that I realized. I'm not respected, not an ounce for how I'm treated compared to the respect I give all people, especially women more so.
I understand as to why I'm treated like this, I'm a smaller than average 5,6 165 male. a rather feminine man at that and emotional, as you can read. I'm just wrong all over, and I wish to be the way I am, it's all I know any anything different would just feel wrong. like the mask I already wear would only be thicker and I would lose myself at some point. All I know is everything that has gone wrong with talking to girls, why turn my head anymore. why try, I'm done. I've been done.
It's so hard to wonder if I'm going through some divine test. that this severe mistreatment has some sort of reason behind it. or that women are being needlessly cruel to me for no reason. I love women more than my heart would tell me, to think on it I feel my chest wince out of fear. it's what makes me wonder if this is a effort I must put in for something I want so badly.
