I think of you. I hope you think of me too.

 Somewhat sleep deprived and In my feelings once again... what a perfect time to type.

First off I want to say I am not entitled to peoples feelings or actions of others. this is only to complain and vent.

 

I've been talking to girls and it's just been interesting. I've been using the apps and have just got like... nothing from it at all. I think my pictures are okay and all and I engage first with women and really give it my all but. it's still been noting at all. and it happens often with dating apps that I just get massively burnt out from them.

 

there is another girl I'm talking to that has just really been the only thing I think about. It's not a burden in my mind only a burden to not have her here physically. I feel so warm close to her. everything blurs and its her and it's okay and safe. it's obsession truly,

 

we had recently met and talked and I only hoped it was forever. so sweet and cute, catching up was incredible. but to hear what she'd been through since we had parted absolutely gutted me. I could only hope safety in her life but to be with her I'd work night and day to keep her stable and safe.

 

Not that I could be the only person that could. I just want to know she's safe stable and happy. It's just all I think about my feelings are so intense for her. I know she cares about me far more than my ex did. just to know those feelings somewhat reciprocate just makes me love her more and more.

 

It just feels like sorta childish and vulnerable to spew my puppy love like this. I know it's far deeper than that but I can't help but feel like the fat greasy nerd I used to be. I always feel like a creep to pester her all day. like I'd seem like some sort of stalker if she were to read this. I'm just scared, scared of my feelings, scared of how much I think of you. 

 

Hoping to see someone again has changed me for the better so much. I only want to be the best for her and nothing less. not to be the annoying fat greaseball that always texts her. It just feels pathetic to have all these feelings.  

 

       

the composition files finally drop

 with special guest fresh off the boat 

To hear the "shocking news" that the people that needed to cover up/downplay the Epstien files. did down play and cover up the files.

I never needed the files. I just knew those associated with Epsiten were horrid people. Especially trump, if it was not his comments on women and younger women its certainly his actions twords womens rights and LGBTQ rights.

zerm... and a Belle Delphine portrait. I know she's a massive creep and all but in retrospect of other NSFW creators and even from NSFW models, she is just weird. I mean she was a very interesting character to follow outside of her modeling which was fun to see when she was popular. She is just a really genuine creator which is swag

 My top 10 films are all the adult short films I accidentally watched on 2012 Youtube. 

experimental adult shows have been on the rise recently and it's reminding me of the short films and creative projects on early youtube. One of the being chainsaw maid.

this fed massively into my zombie obsession when I was younger and rewatching it is an incredible display of sound design. there is no dialog in the film so it is all up to sound cues to set the mood.

it really is an incredible short film and i think it's projects like these that really made youtube unique. where any medium could live it thrived from other sites like newgrounds and other video hosting sites and the film and photography artists of the time having a place to host short films.  

 There's a petition in my titties 

Here is more of my fursona!! as the postal guy. I know I can kinda be clinically insane sometimes but like I'd prolly hoe it up in that leather jacket.I've been building my chest more and more and want big ol pecks so damn bad. so I look like a big hulky boy slut.

 

Crazy how my body goals changed so much once I actually started getting leaner and building muscle. when I wanted to be more fem loosing fat was entirely the goal but to think I could be built like David Hasselhoff or Zyzz it's a damn drug... hehe~ it's kinda for myself but I can't lie. it's for female approval too~   

 More Postal~ hehehe 

I get a pass cause R34 artists will slap tits and hips on anything so like... let me make the postal 1 dude buff as fuck. those thick arms~~~ this is not close to real cause the postal 1 dude is like pretty slim and just pretty average

 

I did not have any other ideas for filling the page so it was kinda just him. and some graffiti tags. I really don't do graffiti anymore to be honest it's more space filler than anything else.

 

 More... postal... 

I started re-watching Azumanga Diaoh and playing postal at work. So why not combine both. I did see the idea from Pintrest but tbh it should have been Chiyo Chan. 

 

But It's still sorta funny for it to be Osaka since she is a sort of social outcast and even a psycho in that one beach house episode. her brain functions in quite interesting ways and it's more often those who's actions are predictable than those who seem to plan their actions 

 

Not that I would reckon Osaka is capable of murder but she still scares me more than postal and cannibal corpse fans. those who consume violent media are often rather peaceful and nice people. except those weird kids that watch gore videos. they are just losers

 Zach hill 

Erm I really don't know when the death grips project will really drop but to hear it confirmed has been the news I've been high on for the last month

 

I'm very glad that Zach will be on the new album. and perhaps his percussive style may be more upfront considering andy not being part of the group anymore. but most of their releases are like something I could never guess. from exmilitary to powers that B. their variety is immaculate so my guess at what their next move could be as good as yours.

 

but if we could get something as raw as exmilitary again I might do like 3 backflips and need to fuck a girl raw to that album.

Bug Blog 12-31-25

 Body! 

GAWDDD DAMNNNDUNKJBN. This is me right now at 165. I got no clue as to what my body fat percentage is but... I'm ALOT leaner now. I really think weight training has been the key.

 

And diet also of course. I've been pretty strict and understanding that it is the MOST important aspect of my weight loss it just made it so much easier. I mean I guess alot of people have not noticed cuz like... I wear such baggy clothes. Like all of my clothes are like too big so I don't really wear anything form fitting. But maybe I will now actually. 

 

But honestly... this angle is VERY flattering. from the bottom looking up plus good lighting plus from the side to make my tits bigger... it's all pretty fake.

 not to be me me me but...  

I've had such a huge confidence boost from this. Like I'm talking to girls again type of confidence. but alot of it is for myself to be real. It's been more often in my life that I hide away in big shirts and baggy clothes. Now I want to wear more form fitting things.

 

I mean of course genetically I could build the fuck out of a masculine figure and that's the goal. Not a really bulky figure or for competitive weight training but to become leaner. and aid in weight loss.

 WE ARE OFFICIALLY HALFWAY DONE 

A little more than halfway done with the composition sketchbook. This is like huge to me. this kinda is my main focus and I've had incredible progress on this project within just this month.

 

and if you can tell from the new blog background. I've been doing a ton more graphic design work. And I really love it. I first started with the fake ads for my blog then made more for my background and one of my recent drawings.

 

That being the tomboy version of Ellis from L4D2. Ellis was like one of my very first boy crushes. I can't help but love a country boy. so damn handsome too. and I love country girls too I love tomboys so damn much. so I just thought about making him into a tomboy cause id wanna fuck him or her I guess or Both maybe. and at the same time? fuck yeah. 

 A little more of the same 

work has been the same old same old. I'm so used to such an eventful workplace that making music and drawing for like... more than half of my shift has just made work. kinda boring,

 

 I'm trying to talk to girls again... the apps have not really been that fun but I still try and talk to who I can. I really do have my sights set on one particular girl. It hurts like alot but attention from her and my affection for her is making it all worth it. I know there's other girls but like... It's just her I think about. to see those pretty eyes in frames and long black hair flow. I try my best to not be obsessive but I just can't help it.

 

My biggest fear has been looking like a creep to women but
like... I just want to be romantic so fucking bad I wanna spoil a girl so bad and treat her like my everything cook and clean and comfort her. It's been like sort of taxing almost.    

 To wrap it up :3 

I'm finally building a better body after like months of attempts. getting leaner and muscular giving me the confidence to talk to girls :3. and my confidence overall.

 

my current project has been productive. and cool. overall. good month of improvement :3