I Fucked up again, again. Will the lost ever find their way...

 

 I'm a fucking whore  

I had been talking to this person for a while since they started talking to me. cause they were a friend of a friend. and they speak to me in a very sexual tone. which in some fucked way. I like.

 

Rather embarrassing and degrading actions thrust upon me in the form of text. I somehow find joy in that. After talking with them for a while it was last night that they heavily insisted I come over for a bit. and I thought well I really do like meeting new people in person so I should do that. considering it was past 12am I should have known better.

 

both watching Tv and they reach to grope me. they had been groping me the whole time I was over but, I love that attention. I just let it happen. they reach under my shorts and begin to touch me. no nothing,I went over. paid for my own food and laid there. and let it happen. like I always fucking do.

 

Something in my dumb whore mind just makes lewd thoughts appear something deeper than surface attraction. grabbing at my body and kissing at me all over. It makes me feel better at the time. but then I realize they had never said "I love you" or "you look so pretty like this". no gifts, cards, or a compliment.

 

I'm such a cheap bitch. I'm  so fucking embarrassed. I just wish someone really cared for me. I don't want sex anymore. I'm done, I hate my body. I did not think my self worth could just tank so fucking much within a couple of days. it's scary, I don't know what to do.      

I fucked up again. once time in a long time.

 

 I really Tried To Talk to a girl again 

I really don't know If I wanna try dating people again. She technically was not a co worker but someone I work close with.

 

I had that feeling again. that I was just bothering her. I felt like a fucking creep, like I always do. All I want to do is respect girl's boundaries just talk to girls that want to talk to me. and there's been zero that would want to do that. it just seems that they don't care. why don't they care about me.

 

I had a really bad break down driving home. and fighting one right now. she works right across from me and I feel like such a creepy grease ball wanting to look over and witness her beauty. It's been 10 years since I've had a relationship. I don't think I've had a girl talk to me how she did since. I did not feel like I had to pressure her or use her politeness against her or anything. I don't want to do all that shit. 

 

But it's not working and I just don't know it's fucking destroying my confidence. I had been building it for years at this point and I just feel it had been all thrown out. I feel like a weak pathetic loser. am I just not strong enough or brave not handsome enough or something. why else must I be treated like this. can't they just pretend to enjoy how fucking awkward and off putting I am.

      

It feels so goddamn humiliating to just put my feelings out only to just know deep down that It's gonna end how it always ends. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't Dress well and be polite only to get girls but I really do put the effort into doing the right things. I'm just close to fucking giving up. 

 

I'm just too emotional. I'm a fucking mess, sobbing to myself and writing a weekly pity essays. What woman would want to put up with consoling their boyfriend. crying over roadkill and bunnies. 

 

I'm scared, and I don't know where to go from here.

Bug Blog 04-02-2026

 Emotional month. But aren't they all? 

The end of this month has been haunted. It's something that only happened yesterday but it feels to be the conclusion of my emotions this month. that night I had a dream where I had finally seen my old girlfriend. helping her with something completely disappointing her in someway. she had disregarded me and shooed me away. everything thing blurred dark it was so intense that it simply woke me. earlier than I ever wake up.

 

There I lie awake considering going back to sleep. but then I remember her online alias and file through old inactive pages till I reach an active profile of hers. it's dark and I stare at the Direct message icon. and really think, does she know? would I burden her with my unresolved loss of her from my life years ago? though plain text I knew every message would have had the aura of pity over all of them. 

   

 Nowhere relations 

It seemed those who I talked to simply answered me. the one girl that I thought really tolerated me did not say anything more after I had begun to miss good morning texts. the same with another, but with her it's different. I had been writing about her since last year at this point. It's only made me feel of a burden to others I try and talk to. what is wrong with me.

 

It's just something that makes me intolerable and weird? something that's making it so hard to find another that finds life with me better than just leaving me aside as something just to answer and not to ask and understand. It's not an ounce of anger I feel. just something that makes me think of the one girl that understood me. something that makes me search for her. yet hesitate to talk to her once again. cause I know she would only have replies for me.

 

 A Crow Looked at Me 

That Would be the soundtrack of this month at points it felt like a celebration of life, then a crushing reality of the isolation one lives in. my son marshmallow is my beacon. a value I attach to those willing to listen to tolerate me. I wish you had caught me at a better time then I could talk about the fun stuff I did this month but the whole dream girlfriend thing has not been good for me.

 

This month had not really been anything. it just feels it's all catching up to me right now. why my adulthood just has not felt like anything much at all. I really am starting to feel the pressure of needing something to show since being out of high school for so long now. yet here I stand in the same exact position as almost 4 years ago now.

 

but it is while I write this that I have one who talks to me almost every hour of the day. I value her, I have others I talk to. those who keep me grounded. while writing this was important for myself it will be my friends who remind me of my worthiness as a companion. I am a good boy, good boys have friends. I am a very happy boy because my friends love me.